"Way, Way Beyond DIR".

The PUE (PADIANNTIAC Underpant Explorers) Fund-the-Mentals Course PUE-F.

2.1.1 Purpose

The PADIANNTIAC Fund-the Mentals course is designed to cultivate what PADIANNTIAC consider to be the essential techniques required by all for sound drinking practice, irrespective of level or environment. PADIANNTIAC drinkers reckon that they’ve gone on a lot of binges and therefore know that they know best and won’t brook any argument thank you very much. If you think that you’re capable of thinking for yourself then you’re a “choke” and need not apply.

Functioning as a prerequisite for all other PADIANNTIAC classes, save it's recreational drinker course (forthcoming), PADIANNTIAC Fund-the-Mentals performs a three-fold function within the PADIANNTIAC curriculum:

It provides the recreational drinker, who has no desire for further drinker training, with a context in which to advance his/her basic drinking skills, thereby developing more comfort, confidence and competence in the fluid environment.
It provides the drinker with aspirations of more advanced drinker training with the tools that will contribute to a greater likelihood of success.
It provides the Bargwan with an easy source of income, food and beverages and a better than usual chance of scoring with chicks.

2.1.2 Prerequisites

Must meet PADIANNTIAC General Course Prerequisites as outlined in Section 1.6 (cf., PADIANNTIAC ’s Standards and Procedures). This amounts to “Bargwan thinks you’re OK” and “cash money has been paid”
Must be a minimum of 13 stone if male, or recognisably female if not.
Must have a current medical including a physical examination. Please note that for female acolytes this will include detailed photographs.
Must be a certified open ECB (see 2.1.7.4 below) drinker from a recognized training agency or be considered certifiable in other respects.
If a smoker must be prepared to allow other participants to "scab" smokes off them during exercises.
Must be able to scull a standard South Aussie pint of beer (light beer allowed) on a breath hold .
Must be able eat a Domino’s family sized pizza (Classic Crust) in less than 14 minutes without stopping. This test should be conducted in a swimsuit if female and, where necessary, appropriate thermal protection.
Prior to the onset of drinker training the use of any prescription or non prescription drugs (either "over the counter" or "under the counter" medication) must be authorised by the Bargwan or his representative.

2.1.3 Duration

The PADIANNTIAC Fund-the Mentals Class is normally conducted over a 2 to 3 day binge. It involves a minimum of 20 hours of instruction, encompassing both classroom and in-licensed premises work. Although it is accepted that any drinker may lose consciousness from time to time, time spent unconscious will be deducted from the requirements and must be made up prior to certification being awarded.

2.1.4 Course Limits

General training limits as outlined in Section 1.4
Acolyte to Bargwan ratio is not to exceed 6:1 during any in-licensed premises training unless the extra acolytes are attractive girls from Sweden
Maximum distance from drinking venue to taxi rank 60 feet/18 meters
No decompression or deglutition without alerting your binge partner
No overhead environment drinking (i.e not under the tables)
Otherwise it’s a free for all. We’re here to have fun, right?

2.1.5 Course Content

The PADIANNTIAC Fund-the Mentals course is normally conducted over a 2 to 3-day period. I know that we've already said that once but since we're the sole receptacles of truth and enlightenment you should be grateful that we can spare you the breath to repeat anything. Combining lecture and practical (in-licensed premises) sessions, this course focuses on cultivating the foundational skills required by all drinking practice. It is focused on increasing drinking fun by reducing stress and increasing drinker proficiency through proper control of “Boyancy”, “trim”, propulsion, teamwork, and any other “principles” that might just pop into the Bargwan’s head after a few too many ECBs.

Course requirements include a minimum of eight (8) hours of mindless drivel from Bargwan and four (4) open pub sessions.

2.1.6 Texts

Doing it Anyway You Like: The Fundamentals of Better Drinking: Bargwan Rajneesh Hari III and Jabbayu Withma Schlongski, PADIANNTIAC , 2001, Adelaide, South Australia. A supply of these and other “literature” will be available in the Bargwan’s car boot. $24.95 Cash only.
See 1.1.6.1 above. Nothing else is acceptable you choke!
Getting Clear on the Basics: The Fundamentals of Technical Drinking: If you read Doing it Anyway You Like: The Fundamentals of Better Drinking and liked it you'll find this pretty familiar. That's because it's exactly the same apart from a different picture of the Bargwan on the cover. Same price though! $24.95.
PUE-F New Workbook. A blank exercise book with lines ruled for those incapable of doing it themselves. For taking notes, stupid. Has a nice picture of Bargwan decompressing on the front. $19.00. A fool and their money are soon parted.
D Plan for Palm OS is a drinking planner for the Palm OS for those sad wankers who can't sort out the basics of life for themselves. Honestly if you can't survive without a computer for a few hours why leave the house at all? Although this program CAN be used to plan extensive staged 2 mix and multi mix binges it is NOT intended that the program becomes a shortcut to bypass formal training in these subjects. Or in fact be used at all. Just because anyone with slightly more intellect than a snail could work most of this out for themselves doesn't mean you shouldn't do a course to be TOLD how to DRINK IT PROPERLY (DIP) by your betters. How else do we make money out of you? And anyway mixing your drinks can lead to awful consequences. D Plan is a free download from our website www.pue.com. You will need your registration code which can be ordered there for $59.00.

2.1.7 Academic Topics and Lecture Outline

PADIANNTIAC organization; i.e where did all the money go and why is the Bargwan pissing off to Vanuatu.
Historical perspective. Why we're so good and you're not.
Why PADIANNTIAC Fund-the Mentals? Why not just piss-on yourself?
Drinking Proficiency.
ECB; the Ethanol Containing Beverage.
“Boyancy”; the fine art of male pub behaviour. Special attention will be paid to how to ridicule groups of personality deprived losers found wearing identical clothing. Except the All Blacks or any other Polynesian sporting team.
"Streamlining" and Equipment Configuration; the UUM (the Urinal Use Master class).
“Trim”; knowing where your equipment is at all times and when not to deploy it.
“Donating the long hose” and bragging to your mates about it afterward.
Propulsion Techniques; the essential avoidance of PFO (Pissed and Fell Over).
Situational Awareness; “Where’s the dunny, where’s the bar, where am I?”
Communication; 101 appropriate situational uses for the word “cunt” (it’s not just a noun you know)
Breathing Gas Overview; why not to breathe other’s gas.
Binge Planning and Gas Management (see also 2.1.10.5).
Drinker Preparedness. Are you alive? Then you're ready to drink.

2.1.8 Land Drills & Topics

Binge team protocols.
S-Drill “planning for deglutition” and valve-drill execution (see 2.1.9.12).
Equipment fit and function.
Propulsion techniques. The "stagger" the "slump" the "crawl" and "doing the worm".
Pre-binge drills.

2.1.9 Required Binge Skills & Drills

Demonstrate proficiency in safe drinking techniques; this would include pre-binge preparations, in-licensed premises activity, and post-binge assessment.
Demonstrate awareness of team member location, a general lack of concern for personal safety, responding quickly to visual cues from any potential sexual partner (no matter how remote the likelyhood) and more or less ignoring binge partner needs unless forced into it.
Efficiently and comfortably demonstrate how to donate ECB to an out-of-ECB drinker in multiple ECB-sharing episodes. This is a tough one. Many guys fall at this hurdle.
Comfortably demonstrate at least two propulsion techniques that would be appropriate in slippery and/or smoky environments.
Demonstrate a safe and responsible demeanour toward bar staff and the Police throughout all training (unless either have large breasts).
Demonstrate proficiency in the ability to deploy a stool, or a lift in multi story environments.
Demonstrate good “boyancy” and “trim”.
Demonstrate proficiency in communication in the in-licensed premises environment (basic and advanced shouting).
Demonstrate basic equipment proficiency. Especially important if your equipment is pretty basic.
Demonstrate mastery of the following skills: throat clearing, trouser removal and replacement, trouser removal and exchange (post sporting matches), “long hose” deployment (bragging about this is deemed a preferable alternative to demonstration).
Demonstrate safe ascent and decent procedures from a vehicle, whether moving or otherwise.
Demonstrate proficiency in executing a valve drill. What is a valve drill anyway and what did it do to deserve to be executed?

2.1.10 Equipment Requirements

Each Acolyte should have, and be familiar with, all of the required equipment (listed below). Most of you will have been born with it. However, Acolytes should exercise caution before purchasing new equipment, to avoid acquiring substandard equipment. Please contact a PADIANNTIAC representative prior to making any purchases. Information about recommended equipment can be obtained from the equipment considerations section of PADIANNTIAC ’s web site. Or buy the stuff in the Bargwan’s boot.

Bottles: Acolytes may use dual bottles connected with a “dual outlet isolator manifold” ( read “two straws”), which allows for the use of two first stages. Good for when the big thirst strikes. Acolytes may also use a single bottle with a K, H, or Y valve (depending on their artistic ability). The use of KY on valves is generally frowned upon. Bottles MUST be marked appropriately to display their MAD (maximal alcohol dilution). The contents of each bottle MUST BE CONSUMED ENTIRELY before another bottle is opened. None of this “rule of thirds” bullshit.
Regulators (read “straws”): One of the second stages must be on a 5-foot to 7-foot/1.5-meter to 2-meter hose. One of the first stages must supply a pressure gauge and provide inflation for a dry suit (where applicable, mostly not as this sentence makes absolutely no sense)
Back plate System: Some would have you believe the following: "A rigid and flat platform, of metal construction with minimal padding, held to a drinker by one continuous piece of nylon webbing. This webbing should be adjustable through the plate and should use a buckle to secure the system at the waist. A crotch strap attached to the lower end of this platform and looped through the waistband would prevent the system from riding up a drinker’s back. A knife should be secured to the waist on the left webbing tab. This webbing should support five D-rings; the first should be placed at the left hip, the second should be placed in line with a drinker’s right collarbone, the third should be placed in line with the drinker’s left collarbone, the fourth and fifth should be affixed to the crotch strap to use while scootering or towing/stowing gear. The harness below the drinker’s arms should have small restrictive bands to allow for the placement of reserve light powered by three in-line c-cell batteries (where necessary). The system should retain a minimalist approach with no unnecessary components." PADIANNTIAC on the other hand thinks all plates should be in front of you and should support one or more of God’s creatures served in bite sized pieces. Salad is optional. Who ever heard of a lighter powered by 3 C cells for God’s sake? Sounds more like a dildo to me. We use butane or good old Redheads. Why you should have to have anything strapped to your crotch is beyond our comprehension and knives are for terrorists (with the exception of eating in polite company which let’s face it is pretty unlikely during a PADIANNTIAC course).
“Boyancy” Compensation Device: If you’re “Doing it Right” you shouldn’t need any compensation for your “boyancy” (see 2.1.7.5). Compensating for your boyancy’s for poofs and belongs in bath houses.
Decompression tables. Unless involved in a traditional PADIANNTIAC “decompression competition” (you may wish to take the PADIANNTIAC Advanced Decompression Procedures Course with Master Decompressor Instructor Bargwan Hari) decompression would usually be conducted in a covert fashion. Appropriate tables will enable you put the blame on someone else.
At least one depth-measuring device to ensure your glass or bottle is empty.
At least one timekeeping device although once bingeing has commenced who really cares what the time is? They’ll tell you when they want to close the pub. Then see 2.1.7.11.
Goggles and flippers: Why the hell not? Buy the first ones that take your fancy. Personal preference is what makes you stand out from the crowd and be noticed!
At least one bottle opening device. Two is better. Some may opt for a waiter’s friend type opener although all types will be discussed.
Wet Notes for when you drop your wallet into the urinal. As we live in God’s Own Country the Reserve Bank of Australia in it's immeasurable wisdom has designed our currency for EXACTLY this eventuality. Makes you wonder how the Poms and the Yanks cope. Then again, who cares.
One stool with 4 feet, per drinker.
One surface marker for jotting down witticisms on the dunny wall.
Exposure suit appropriate for the duration of exposure. Please note that exposure of at least some “bum crack” is expected of all acolytes.

Note: Prior to the commencement of class, Acolytes should consult with a PADIANNTIAC representative to verify equipment requirements. All participants are responsible for providing all equipment or for making provisions to secure the use of necessary equipment before the start of the course. In general, it is better for the Acolyte to learn while using his or her own equipment although public demonstrations of proficiency may be frowned upon by the local law enforcement community.