I'm the sort of guy who says what he means, means what he says.  Life can be pretty rough at times and sometimes you need a couple of PEARLS OF WISDOM to pull you through.  People write me letters and say things like, "Con. Pearl of Wisdom No.5. Ripper, mate!"  Here's a few tips for young kippers out there who want to "say what you mean and mean what you say". Cheers.

1. Speeding up service at fast food drive-throughs
If you find yourself waiting for your meal at a fast-food drive-through, comment loudly, "What? Are they making it or something?"

2. Solution to waking up with a woody
"Let your mum slap your piss horn."

3. Appear wise
When you get stuck in an awkward conversation, just nod your head very slowly when everyone else does and say, "Mmmmmmm"

4. Insult #1
"Your mother's a bloke" - Sure to get the blood up.

5. Insult #2
"You dropped out of an arsehole" - Devastatingly effective.

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