The Water Rituals of Homo Sapiens

Lucifer and Leviathan

(CatTech, Division of Human Studies)

Homo Sapiens has long held a fascination with water. According to Greymalkin (1358), humans also have a long history of attempted emulations of other animals. This list includes birds, dogs, goats, lizards, and other Lesser Creatures. The human attraction to water may be merely a display of their desire to act like fish.

We have been involved in the study of human water Rituals for several months. Our research brought us to the home of our Subject, a young human female. We will present the various water Rituals conducted by the Subject and discuss the possible rationale for these actions.

The Subject interacted with water in all regions of her Territory and during any time of the night or day, except when she took her nightly Long Nap. Most of the time she merely drank the water, although in much greater quantities than Cats use. This indicates a possible obsession. Perhaps water is an addictive substance to homo sapiens. The Subject also added water to her food, a Ritual previously witnessed by Greymalkin (1357). The topic of human eating Rituals is a field in and of itself, and we will leave these interpretations for those researchers with more experience in these matters.

There were four large Bowls in the Subject's Territory. One of these was contained in the room where we were Fed. At some point every night the Subject filled this large Bowl with water, and methodically inserted and removed various interesting Objects. We have observed this Ritual at great length, but can find no convincing explanation for this Behavior. Morris (1978) has suggested that this Behavior is somehow related to the eating Rituals, since the Objects that the Subject put into the water are also involved with the Subject's own Feeding. Garfield (1982) has proposed that this Ritual is instead a Game, and that the Objects are in fact Toys. We propose that this Ritual is handed down from generation to generation, and is a remnant from a previous time when water dunking of other humans is a documented historical fact (Blackie, 1486). Because our Subject was of the same Breed as those who commited such an Atrocity as dunking, it is not unsurprising to find this human Behavior rematerialize as a genetic Abnormality. Most likely this Ritual is involuntary, and the Subject is not even aware of her actions.

The three remaining large Bowls are in the room containing our Litter Box. One of them is the Subject's own Litter Box. We discovered this one night, to the ire of the Subject, when we made our way into the room while trying to gather data for this Paper. We understand the Subject's Modesty, and have not probed farther in this direction.

The largest of the Bowls went entirely unused until one night. We usually found that this Bowl was covered in water, usually early in the day, but there was nothing to suggest the Subject's involvement with it. Now, we have discussed the action of humans placing various objects in water. But this time the Subject immersed -- brace yourself -- her entire body into the large Bowl! This Behavior, as every decent Cat knows, is a Bad Thing. We were alarmed by this most bizzare Ritual, and attempted to communicate our Concerns to the Subject. However, the Subject has a poor command of Cat, which is understandable given her lower level of intelligence. We have not tried to speak Human, since this language is beneath us, so we tried again and again to tell her how absurd this Behavior of hers appears. Lucifer was particularly upset because the Subject's Lap is his PNL (Prime Napping Locale). He begged and pleaded with her to leave the water, but to no avail. He bravely jumped to the edge of the large Bowl and tried to show her that the water is for drinking only. She had brought a small Bowl of water to drink, so she had no intention of drinking the water in the large Bowl. The Subject then began to stare stupidly at one of her many Paper Box Objects. (We have found that the Paper Box Objects are good to chew on, but are too heavy to be good Toys. We do not understand their Power over the Subject.) After a while we both left the room in disgust.

What could cause such bizzare Behavior? Reports of such repeated consentual immersions have been published (Fluffy, 1936 and Poofball, 1890). This was our first exposure to such mythical Behavior. Perhaps this Ritual is also an evolutionary remnant from the time of human dunking. But even then the humans did not go willingly into the water -- in fact the dunking was used as a type of punishment (Blackie, 1488). The Subject sometimes used water to keep us from enjoying our Games too much. For example, there are various wiry cords lying on the floor in the Subject's Territory. These strings attach to the walls at one end, and to various Objects at the other end. One of the cords is even coiled and hangs from a height. Understandably, these Objects make excellent Toys and are great fun to chew on, but the Subject always throws water on us when we try to play with them. She has an amazing contraption that she uses so she can throw water from across the room. Most likely this is some sort of petty jealousy at our having found such wonderful Toys before she did.

The Subject was not entirely Stupid. Leviathan even taught her to play Throw, a Game in which he brought her a Toy, and she threw it across the room. The Game was repeated until Leviathan became bored. This Game requires Patience to teach to humans. Patience, as every decent Cat knows, is Useless except when Stalking. Since we wanted to find the Subject's level of intelligence, Leviathan worked hard and taught her this Game. He regularly ran these tests to moniter her brain activity.

Without genetic Abnormality or Stupidity, the only explanation left is Insanity. Insanity, as every decent Cat knows, is Normal. We have taken to playing Games elsewhere in the Subject's Territory when she immerses herself in water -- an action we have entitled a "Water Seizure".

Our future research will involve the fourth Bowl, in which the Subject uses water to do the most unbelievable things to her Face.

This work was done with a CatTech grant, which covered our room, board, and Toys. We are greatly indebted to our colleague, Spookie, who helped us to settle in and showed us how to train the Subject.

Blackie, 1486. _Human Rituals_. "Homo Sapiens and Witchcrafte", vol 249:120-134.
Blackie, 1488. _Human Rituals_. "Homo Sapiens and Dunking", vol 249:20-42.
Fluffy, 1936. _General Anthropology_. "Humans and their Water", vol 2046:174-180.
Garfield, 1982. _Human Toys_. "Is Water Just Another Toy?", vol. 56:34-46.
Greymalkin, 1357. _Human Rituals_. "Boiling Water and Food", vol. 201:1-11.
Greymalkin, 1358. _General Anthropology_. "Humans: Copy Cats of the Primates", vol 23:56-58.
Morris, 1978. _Humans_. "Water Rituals and Food", vol. 1024a:15336-15353.
Poofball, 1890. _Human Rituals_. "An Alarming Water Incident", vol. 572:46-68.

Unfortunately, Lori has now disappeared from the Web.
So I've taken the liberty of loading this delightful piece of fantasy onto my own server.
Lori, if you're out there, purleeeese get in touch!

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