[With apologies to James Thurber and JRR Tolkien]
A friend of mine, a great fan of murder mysteries, came up crabwise to me a while ago (in the days before Peter Jackson's film version of tLotR) and whispered urgently in my ear, "Can I see you privately on a matter of urgency?" Given her demeanor and manner, I knew something was up but has no idea what. Once we were secreted from the sight of prying eyes, a fact she ascertained by constant jerky movements of her head in random directions, she acquainted me with her telling intelligence:
"... Stupid thing to do ... in a pile of detective fiction ... called The Fellowship of the Ring ... sound like a heist novel ... or an elimination murder mystery ... Should have looked closer!" Her words failed to flow, coming in a staccato rhythm that refused to be defined.
Looking around to assure myself of our isolation, I asked, "Did you read it?"
"Had to! Weren't any other books I hadn't solved."
"Did you like it?"
"No! The murder was left unsolved!"
"What murder?" I managed to squeak out in surprise.
"Gandalf's", she said with an air of a magician finally finding the correct rabbit in a copious top hat.
My reply was equally penetrating. "Eh?" I gasped.
Her logic was impenetrable. It was obvious to her that Gandalf had to be stunned or something. There he was in the middle of the bridge, having smote the thing before him. Suddenly he loses control of the situation. He either stands still enough to enable the Balrog's whip to snare him or he himself fell. Either way, someone behind him, she reckoned, had to have done something to cause the fall. An arrow, a rock in the back of the head, something. "He was murdered just as surely as if he had been bashed by a mashie niblick."
She had an immediate answer to my next question.
"Boromir" was her response when I asked whom she suspected. "Good God!" I riposted, my wit returning.
"And when he went off with Frodo," she continued, "at the end of the book, I thought he must be a serial killer. Tolkien has a good touch and conceals his clues well. Are there any more books?"
That's how I came to lend her The Two Towers and The Return of the King.
Several days later she approached me obliquely, even more circumspect and fidgety than the last time. "I knew Boromir would be the next victim" she said as soon as we were alone. "He had to be ... your first suspect is always the second victim."
"Now, who do you think did it?" I asked, having worked out my approach.
"Pippin", she whispered intently. Despite all my planning to act nonchalantly, I was taken aback.
"Pippin?" I echoed.
"Peregrin Took," she added with certainty. "It had to be him. He was present at both murders, so he had the opportunity. He certainly knew a lot for a supposedly innocent hobbit. Look at how he knew that there would be pipeweed at Orthanc, even brought a spare pipe along when no-one else had an inkling one would be needed. And look at how he warned Sauron via the Palantir. Not to mention earlier actions in and around Moria that should have given it away. He covered it all up nicely but his actions give him away. I knew it had to be a hobbit. A well-thrown stone in the back of the head seemed the easiest way of getting rid of the suspicious Wizard, while serving his Master's purpose. And he either did Boromir himself or had his Master's Uruk-Hai do it for him - more likely they just filled Boromir full of arrows to cover up the deed of their Master's main agent. And was he really a captive of the Uruk-Hai? Look at what Aragorn says, 'It does not seem to have done you any harm ... Indeed you look in the bloom of health.' I think that at least Pippin was never a captive." "What was his motive then?" I really was trying to restrain my sarcasm.
"He was working for his Master, Saruman. Recruited in the Shire against such a need. Served his Master well too. And, before you ask, Merry was covering up for him. Loved him dearly and couldn't believe the evidence of his own eyes. Kept trying to hold Pippin back from worse excesses. Succeeded too."
Here was a challenge I could not let slip. I went straight back to the books. Then it was my turn.
Sneaking out from behind a shrubbery, I lightly tapped her on the back a few days later. "Psssst," I pssssted, while jerking my head towards the bushes. When we were sufficiently embushed, and I had thoroughly checked the environs against eavesdroppers, I went right on the attack. "Not Pippin at all. Silly of you to think so. His strange behavior, Palantir and everything, was an attempt to cover up for Merry. Neither was guilty but each suspected the other and acted to try and defer the blame elsewhere.
"Who had a motive to kill Boromir?" I non-sequitured.
"But it was Gandalf who was murdered!"
"But was he the main victim? You said it was a multiple murderer. What better way to hide your guilt than by first murdering an 'inconsequential' victim and then going for the major one later."
"In that case: Faramir. But he was in Ithilien."
"So he says but if you look closely it is a bit thin and there is no confirmation. Easy for him to slip away for a few days 'on patrol' and catch up with the Fellowship. Probably captured Gollum first and made him take him to the party, catching the link between the Ring and his Dream (which came to him many times but only once to Boromir). Look at his activities for confirmation: he had to get rid of Gandalf, the only one who would recognise him. And Boromir stood in his way if he hoped to grab the Stewardship. He had no interest in the Ring, just Gondor.
"And Gollum knew him: look at the meeting with Faramir where Gollum says, 'Master knows ... We promise Master, if he saves us.' At the time, it was Faramir who held Smeagol's life in his hands and Faramir was 'the Master' to whom he was appealing. He was obviously used to calling Faramir 'Master', a result of their journey together from Ithilien to Moria, where they picked up the trail of the Nine Walkers, leading to Faramir's murder of Gandalf. Think about the scene on the bridge: every one of the Nine Walkers was in view, Aragorn and Boromir near the bridge, Gimli and Legolas close at hand, the hobbits near the Gate. The blow must have come from the front, so that Frodo, the point of view character, couldn't have seen it. Faramir took his opportunity just as the Balrog fell. He might even have been aiming at Boromir, then, as his brother stood behind Gandalf on the bridge. He and Gollum then followed the Fellowship. Faramir got his chance when Boromir was alone after his confrontation with Frodo. Faramir came up behind him as Boromir was engaged with the Orcs, against whom he was probably holding his own until his brother got him in the back.
"Think about it. Faramir knew far too much about Boromir's death when Frodo and Sam caught up with him in Ithilien. And too much about the Fellowship's aims. If Frodo and Sam hadn't been so distracted, they would have solved the crimes. And this allows us, finally, to realise why Faramir let Frodo and Sam go with his ally Gollum to the certain death Gollum would have assured him the journey to Mordor would be ... He was getting rid of the last witnesses to his heinous crime, fratricide."
And I faded quickly into the bush and ran off before my startled listener could respond.
First written: sometime in 1979 and revised a number of times since. This version: December 2003.
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