REFLECTIONS ON
BIBLICAL HEADSHIP
BY DON SCHONBERG
Mrs. Edith Schaeffer was once
asked how she could stand being married to the
same man for 40 years. She answered,
"He's not the same man that I married."
After fifty-two years of marriage,
my wife says the same thing about her husband.
Both of us, in fact, have changed.
One of the areas of change involves our
understanding of "headship"--the
biblical teaching that the husband is the head of
the wife.
A young husband once came to me in
frustration saying that his bride expected
him to be her spiritual leader and
teacher. "How can I do that when she knows the
Bible better than I do and is qualified
to lead and teach me? Yet the Bible says
that I am the head of my wife?"
(Eph. 5:23)
His question leads to several more:
Should a mature Christian girl with a good
knowledge of the Bible marry only
someone she considers to be her spiritual
superior? Should a man seek to marry
a girl less mature than himself so he can
lead and teach her? How can a woman
seeking to obey the instruction in 1
Corinthians 14:35 trust the judgment
of someone who may know less than she
does? Does the teaching about headship
even apply today?
These questions reflect some of the
uncertainty and frustration surrounding the
biblical teaching of headship. Over
the years I have become increasingly
convinced that the proper understanding
and practice of headship within marriage
is indeed relevant for today and
that it does not lead to frustration--but to peace,
harmony, fulfillment, and wonderful
flexibility.
Biblical headship places a premium
on companionship. In the opening pages of
the Bible we find the Lord God saying,
"It is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for
him" (Gen. 2:18, niv). In the closing pages of the
Old Testament, God describes a man's
wife as his companion (Mal. 2:14). A
helping companion is a partner,
not a servant.
This beautiful partnership is illustrated
in the New Testament by Aquila and
Priscilla. Under the word "Priscilla"
my concordance states: "See Aquila." There
is not a single reference in the
Bible where they are not mentioned together. We
find them making a living together
(Acts 18:2-3). They went out as missionaries
together (Acts 18:18-19). In a private
setting they taught the Word of God
together (Acts 18:26). Together
they hosted a church that met in their home (1
Cor. 16:19). And together they risked
their lives--"laid down their own necks" to
save the life of the Apostle Paul
(Rom. 16:3-4).
One of the keys to biblical headship
is delegated authority. Back in World War II
the ship I was on approached a harbor
that was unfamiliar to our captain. A small
boat came out from the port and
a local man offered to guide us in. The captain
wisely accepted and this man took
over as our pilot, guiding the ship safely into
the harbor. Who was in charge of
our ship while the local pilot was at the helm?
Was it the pilot or the captain?
The captain was in charge. Not for a moment did
he relinquish his position as head-of-the-ship
(headship). He was always
responsible for it and would be
accountable if anything went wrong. But in his
humility and wisdom he delegated
authority to one more qualified in a particular
area for the welfare of all.
Both the Old Testament and New Testament
suggest that the frustrated young
husband tell his new bride something
like this: "Honey, the Bible teaches that I
am to function as the captain in
our relationship, but we both know that in some
areas you have more understanding
than I do. You understand the Bible better
than I do. You have been a Christian
longer than I have. Moreover, you have
many natural talents that I lack.
As my helper and companion, I want you to teach
and assist me in every way you can."
If she comes to him with a question that he
cannot answer, he could say, "I
don't know the answer. Will you help me find it?
If we can't find it by ourselves,
then let's ask someone who does know." A
husband has not given up his headship
by asking his wife for help any more than
the captain gave up his authority
when he received help from the pilot.
Are you a young woman entertaining
thoughts of marriage? Look for a humble
man. Humility is more important
than knowledge. No man knows all that he
needs to know, but a humble man
is willing to learn. Are you a young man
thinking about marriage? Seek the
most godly, mature partner possible. If God
gives you a companion and a helper,
let her function as your companion and
helper. Do not lord it over her
or take advantage of her, but draw her out to
become all that she can possibly
be. Are you a married man who realizes that you
have not practiced biblical headship
the way you should have practiced it? We
cannot undo the past. What is done,
is done. Let us humble ourselves before our
wives, confessing our faults and
resolving with God's help to do it right from now
on.
Christ is our head, but He has delegated
a great deal of authority to His body, the
church. As Christ encourages us
to use our gifts and talents to the fullest potential
for His kingdom and glory, so we
should encourage our wives to use their gifts
and talents to the fullest potential
within God's will.
We have benefited from this principle
of delegated authority in areas that involve
the household. One of the requirements
for elders and deacons as taught in 1
Timothy 3 is that they rule their
households well. However, in 1 Timothy 5:14 the
Apostle Paul desires that the women
rule their house. This seems to indicate
delegated authority with the wife
given much freedom in her God-given sphere of
the home.
In our home my wife is more disciplined
than her husband. He recognized this
long ago and is very thankful for
it. We had family devotions following the
evening meal. The new nature in
the husband wanted to be regular in this good
habit, but sometimes the flesh was
weak, maybe tired or forgetful. He encouraged
her to help him. When she handed
him the Bible it would get him back on track.
So between the two, our children,
some of them grandparents today, had their
regular devotions and were blessed.
There were times when there was strife
between husband and wife. He had the
ability to put it out of his mind
and go to sleep. She would be laying there wide
awake, troubled, thinking of God's
command, "Do not let the sun go down upon
your wrath." So in obedience to
the command from a higher authority, she would
wake him up to see the trouble resolved.
What a helper she has been!
The headship of the man was established
with creation (1 Cor. 11:3, 8-9). In
Genesis 3:16, God states, "Your
husband shall rule over you." This statement was
not given to Adam but to Eve. It
seems to be a prediction of the subjection that
wives would endure as a consequence
of the fall. Man's carnal nature would raise
its selfish head and wives would
suffer for it. This prediction has been fulfilled
throughout the sad history of mankind
up to the present day. This treatment of
women should not characterize the
relationship of husbands and wives who have
become new creatures in Christ,
who have a new Spirit and a new nature. Our
wives are our companions, helpers,
and sisters in Christ.
In Titus 2:5, Paul instructed the
older women to teach the younger women to be
obedient to their husbands. A man
who wants a female servant might use this
verse to lash his wife into servitude,
but what does that do to companionship and
the sense of being co-workers?
Two things need to be said regarding
Titus 2:5. First of all, men have no business
teaching women to be obedient to
their husbands. That is a job for the older
women. Secondly, the word for obedience
in Titus 2:5 is different from the word
used in Ephesians 6:1 where children
are instructed to obey their parents. Parents
can command their children to do
something and discipline them if they don't, but
that is not God's plan for a husband
and wife. The word in Titus 2:5 is the word
for submission that occurs in Ephesians
5:22 where wives are told to submit to
their husbands. Godly submission
is the willing choice to defer to another.
Obedience is an act; submission
is an attitude.
Husbands have no authority to command
submission. Only God has that
authority. We cannot even refer
our wives to Ephesians 5:22 without being
reminded of Ephesians 5:21 which
commands all of us to submit to one another.
The only leverage biblical headship
has is the leverage of love. "Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ loved
the church, and gave Himself for it" (Eph. 5:25).
One of the first things we learn
by observing Jesus is that He Himself recognized
the divine order and submitted to
it. He acknowledged the headship of His
heavenly Father. Even as God the
Father is the head of Christ, and Christ is the
head of man, so man is the head
of the woman (1 Cor. 11:3). Man is the head of
woman by divine appointment. Headship
has nothing to do with intelligence, gift,
ability, or maturity. It does not
originate with culture but with creation (1 Cor.
11:8). It has to do with being a
man. Man is not more free to abandon his post
than a woman is to usurp it. The
divine order is not our choice. That is one of the
first things that Jesus teaches
us about headship, and that we must embrace when
we become His followers. God's order,
if followed, will eliminate all quarreling,
fighting and bitterness. It is a
way to resolve all differences when husband and
wife have exhausted all avenues
for agreement. What are these avenues?
-
Pray together.
-
Respect each other's intelligence.
-
Honestly listen to each other and each
be satisfied they have been heard and
-
understood.
If after all this, communication has
been kindly and humbly practiced, and there
is still no agreement, the husband
must make the decision and assume the
responsibility. The wife then needs
to submit and by faith trust God for the
results. If time proves him wrong
he will be a little more ready to trust his helper
in the future. Regardless of what
time reveals, each partner did their part and each
has a clear conscience.
Listen: submission should be the
last resort. What should a godly husband be like?
Would you not agree that if he were
just like our Lord Jesus Christ he'd be the
perfect head of wife and family?
Husbands, should we not regularly ask
ourselves, "Am I now considering
and dealing with my wife as Jesus would?"
To be like the Lord Jesus is so general.
It covers so much. How can I get a handle
on that ocean of goodness? We could
remember His unselfishness, courteousness,
helpfulness, kindness, etc. Yet,
what characteristic above all others may cover it
all in relation to the husband's
headship?
As our Lord Jesus came near to Jerusalem
on Palm Sunday, the ancient prophecy
from Zechariah was fulfilled, "Behold,
your king is coming to you, lowly, and
sitting on a donkey..." On another
occasion He said, "Come unto Me...learn of
Me...for I am meek and lowly in
heart and ye shall find rest for your souls" (Mt.
11:28-30). The one spiritual attribute
above all that should characterize headship
is humility. Humility is also the
key to the women's role of submission.
Yes, we have changed in more than
50 years together. We have learned more
about companionship and being helpers
together. The husband has come to
appreciate his wife's abilities.
He can delegate responsibility without giving up his
role as head of the wife, but most
of all, his wife's input and concerns are
encouraged and considered in decisions.
She has peace in knowing she has been
heard. Having a better understanding
of biblical headship earlier in life could
have saved us many tears and regrets.
Experience has taught that marriage
can be one of companionship and peace,
resulting in blessing in the home
and honor to God.
Don and his wife make their home
in Lawrence, KS. He is an elder in the
Lawrence Bible Chapel there.
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