Church Plays

© 2004 Wendy Noble

CHARACTERS:

Pastor Dan:  Wears spectacles, is earnest, patient and idealistic.

Jo: A pedantic legalist. (May be male or female)

Earl:  Good friend of Jo, seems more easygoing but is the toughest of them all.

Myrtle: Middle-aged woman. Sees herself as the matriarch.

Ward: A businessman.

Peter/Petra: A person of few words.

Scene I.  Sitting around a table, in preparation for a meeting. Ward has come straight from work and has his briefcase with him. Myrtle is knitting.

Dan:  Clears his throat very loudly to get their attention and begins the meeting.
Brothers and sisters, I was reading through the parable of The Banquet in the Gospel of Luke and I received an inspiration from the Holy Ghost.

Apart from Ward, who’s not paying attention, and Peter, the others shift nervously in their seats.

I believe that we should hold a banquet here in the House of God, and go into the highways and the byways and invite the poor unfortunates that we find there to come sup with us in the Lord’s house.

Jo:  This isn’t the big city, Pastor.  I don’t think we have any unfortunates on our highways and byways.  We don’t even have a highway!

Dan:  Well, Jo, I…

Jo:  How far do you want us to travel to find these people?  I mean, do we go as far as the next county?  Or do we keep to, say, a five-mile radius around the town?

Dan:  Jo, I really think you’re…

Jo:  I guess we could drive over to Denton.  They’ve got a highway near them. But that’s a two-hour drive.

Dan:  No, Jo, we…

Myrtle:  What kind of unfortunates do you have in mind?  The Ladies Guild will need to know what sort of people we’ll be catering for.  What if they’re all Jewish and we give them baked ham?  That would be most embarrassing.

Earl:  And a waste of a good ham.

Dan:  I don’t think…

Earl:  What sort of people does the Good Book specify, Pastor?

Dan:  Thank you for asking, Earl.  In the book of Luke, chapter 14 and verse 21, it reads, “the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.”

Myrtle:  So it doesn’t specifically say, Jewish?

Dan:  No, Myrtle, I…

Myrtle:  That’s just as well. I don’t think we have any Jews living in Barnsfield, do we?

Earl and Jo look at each other with condescending smiles.

Dan:  Myrtle, I really think the whole Jewish thing is a red herring.

Jo:  Getting back to the question of locality, Pastor.

Dan:  Yes, Jo?

Jo:  I really think the lack of a highway puts us at a disadvantage.

Dan sighs.  He’s doing his best to control his exasperation.

Dan:  Well, Jo, it also says in verse 23, “Go out to the roads and the country lanes and make them come in.” I should think that’s clear enough.”

Jo nods thoughtfully.   There’s a moment’s silence as the group thinks this through.
Peter smiles at Dan.  Ward has his notepad/hand-held computer out and is making notes.  Myrtle knits furiously.  Earl looks hopefully at Jo.

Jo:  Lifts head and smiles in triumph.  Of course, Pastor, we’d better check this out with the Sheriff before we set out.

Dan:  Why’s that, Jo?

Jo:  The way I see it, folk might get the wrong idea if we drive by in our pick-ups, forcibly remove them from the roads and country lanes and drag them along to the church.  Some folk would call that kidnapping.  Besides, our sweet words of persuasion might not do the job.  Should we take a gun?

Dan:  Oh I don’t think we should take that part of the story so literally, Jo.  It is a parable, you know.

Jo:  Then what about the poor, crippled, blind and lame?  Are they the exclusive guest list or can we invite others: the deaf, for instance?  Are they welcome?
He smiles at Earl.

Dan:  Now you’re just being facetious, Jo.  I think…

Myrtle:  My sister’s blind in one eye and has arthritis real bad in her knees, but she doesn’t live out on the highways and byways.  She’s got a room over in Shady Pines Rest Home.  Would she do?

Ward:  Now there’s an idea!  We could get a group of people from the nursing home and bring them here for a turkey-dinner.  I could provide the birds at cost price.

Dan:  That’s not quite the idea of the story, Ward.  Our senior citizens over at Shady Pines are more than adequately provided for.  The idea is to invite people who wouldn’t normally be provided for, or even welcomed to our banquet.

Myrtle:  I thought we’d decided not to have any Jews.

Earl:  Dang it, Myrtle, give it a rest!  There aren’t any folk of the Hebrew persuasion in our town, but if there were they’d be as welcome as the next person.

Myrtle gets in a huff.  She sniffs and deliberately turns her back on Earl.

Ward:  I don’t understand, Pastor Dan.  You said earlier we had to invite blind, crippled people and now you say it’s people we wouldn’t normally welcome. I think we’re very welcoming to the physically challenged.  I know whenever I bring Mom in her wheel chair, everyone treats her most kindly.

Dan takes out his handkerchief and wipes his brow and the back of his neck. He takes off his glasses and wipes them as well.  He takes a deep breath before answering.

Dan:  I should have spoken plainer right at the start.  In the times of Jesus, the blind and crippled people were on the edge of society.  They were outcasts.  People thought they were that way because God had cursed them or something.  Ordinary, law-abiding, God-fearing people avoided them.  Jesus was saying that God welcomes everyone, even those people we don’t approve of.  We should invite the people we would normally have nothing to do with.  That’s what I’m getting at.

Everyone looks stunned.

Earl:  Pastor, who were you personally thinking of inviting?

Dan:  As it happens, I was thinking of Andy Poole.

The room erupts.  Myrtle shrieks.  Jo and Earl shout in disgust and Jo leaps out of chair.  Ward throws his pen/pencil/hand-held computer on the table in disgust.  Peter smiles.

Myrtle:  You can’t possible mean that!  You’d actually have that creature enter the House of God?

Dan:  Sit down, Jo.  Please?  Yes, Myrtle, I would.

Myrtle:  But, Pastor, he dresses in women’s clothing!

Dan:  I know.  I’ve seen him.  He’s a sad young man.

Ward:  He’s a sick young man, is what he is.

Jo:  How could you even think of inviting an abomination like that boy?

Dan:  I guess because I believe that’s what Jesus would have me do.

Earl:  I don’t think it’s appropriate that you go dragging the Lord into this, Daniel.  I don’t think it’s right to even mention Andy Poole and Jesus in the same conversation.

Dan:  Oh Earl, really I…

Earl:  No, sir.  Nancy-boys like Andy Poole are perverts and abominations and will not be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Everyone knows that.  I can’t imagine what’s got into you.  I don’t like to think it’s the Devil, but that idea has a reek of sulfur about it, is all I’m saying.

Dan:  Earl, Jo, everyone.  Don’t you think He died for the Andy Pooles of this world, too?  We were all sinners, before we knew the grace of God’s forgiveness.

Myrtle:  Stands up, packs up knitting and clutches bags to her chest.  How dare you, sir!  Why, I’m speechless!  Insinuating that we are anything like that creature.  I’ve never been so insulted in all my life.  And to even think of sharing one of my good baked hams in the Lord’s House with an aberration like that, expecting us to turn a blind eye on his wickedness – why, it makes me sick to my stomach!  All I can say is, I shall be praying for you and asking the Lord to lead you back to the paths of righteousness.  I hope I shall never hear another word about this.  Otherwise, I shall have to reconsider my membership.  She flounces out.

Ward:  While packing note-pad/computer into briefcase.  Pastor, I never thought the day would come, but I have to say I agree with Myrtle.  You mean well, I’m sure, but you take your enthusiasm just a little too far.  I don’t think you’ve thought this through.  What kind of reputation would we get?  It’s just bad business.  Church isn’t the place for people like that.  Now, if you still want to go ahead with the turkey dinner for the old folk, let me know and I’ll order the birds.  I can even get some of that baked ham Myrtle was talking about.  Good night.  He leaves.

Jo and Earl stand up to follow Ward . As they are leaving Jo looks back and says,
Jo:  You’d better think carefully about your future here, Pastor.  Hopefully, this was just a momentary lapse of judgment.

Dan sits with his head in his hands for a few seconds.  He then blows his nose and sighs deeply.  He is startled to see Peter still sitting there.

Dan:  Still here?  Go ahead; speak your piece.

Peter:  You all ready asked him.

Dan:  Yup.

Peter:  And he turned you down.

Dan:  Yup.  He said, “Hell would freeze over before he’d spend time with a group of po-faced, judgmental Christians.

Peter:  Laughs.  He actually said po-faced, huh?

Dan:  Nods.  How’d you know?

Peter:  He told me about it last night.  He comes to supper every Monday.

Dan’s mouth drops open in surprise.

Peter:  Shrugs.  It’s no big deal.  He’s been lonely since his mother died.  I figure, if the Lord can put up with me, I can cope with a good-looking lad in a party dress.  But let’s not tell the others.  Ok?

Dan smiles and nods. They start to pack up the chairs.

Peter:  Anyway, Pastor, Andy would have hated Myrtle’s baked ham.

Dan:  Why?  Is he Jewish?

Peter:  No.  Vegetarian.

END of SCENE I

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