Church Plays

© Wendy Noble 2000

CHARACTERS: Two Roman guards

Costume They can be dressed in correct Roman uniform if you have the where-withal, but when this was first performed the two actors wore bicycle helmets and both of them carried a large plastic toy sword. Be as inventive as you like.

The two guards are on duty outside a tomb. It is nearly dawn. They are standing on a slight angle to each other, gazing out in opposite directions.

Guard 1 creeps up behind Guard 2 and yells BOO in his ear. Guard2 jumps and clutches his chest.  Guard1 laughs.

GUARD2 Don't do that!

GUARD1 Laughing You should have seen yourself, man.  You really lost it.

GUARD2 I could have had a heart attack then.  Guard1 still laughs. Guard2 gets annoyed and grabs Guard1.  Look, it's no joke standing out here in a cemetery, full of dead people and things.... in the middle of the night and all..... standing guard against who knows what.... I don't need you scaring me to death as well.

GUARD1 Taking G2's arm off him. Sorry. I didn't think you'd be so spooked. After all, we've had one night here already and nothing's happened.

GUARD2 Well what ARE we doing here? Guarding a dead body.  It's ridiculous. What's going to happen? Sarcastically  Ooo, maybe he'll escape from the tomb and run away! 
They both laugh.

GUARD1 Actually, I think he made some sort of claim that he'd do just that. G2 looks skeptical.  Yeah, really. Anyway the priests don't want to take any chances. They think his followers might try to steal the body and then pretend he's alive again.

GUARD2 Oh yeah, that'll work! Who's going to believe that? And have you seen his followers? Talk about refugees from Wimpsville. You know that big fisherman? I heard he went deathly pale, and couldn't deny the guy fast enough when he was recognised by a mere servant girl. Pathetic!  And how many of them did you see at the crucifixion?  Nah, they've all shot through.

GUARD1 Well we've just got to follow orders, mate.  At least we get overtime for this.

GUARD2   That's true. 

They both resume guarding again. After a short pause…

GUARD2 Hey, what do you reckon about this coming alive thing?

GUARD1 Impossible.  In my experience mate, once a body's dead; it's dead. That's why they get buried. No point burying a live body, not unless you want it to become dead. Nah, burying's for dead folk.

GUARD2 Yeah, and if there's one thing we Romans are good at, it's getting people dead.

GUARD1 Proudly, We’re not just good at it, we’re the best at it.

GUARD2 So there's no hope that this Jesus will step out of that tomb?

GUARD1 It'd take a miracle. Nah, the only way he's getting out of there alive is if he's God himself.

They resume their post.  After a short moment,

GUARD2 Nervously, Did you hear that?

GUARD1 What?

GUARD2 A sort of creaking noise behind us?  Take a look.

GUARD1 No, you look.  Anyway, there's nothing there except the tomb.

A slight pause.  They both seem to hear something this time. [If possible, sound effect of rolling boulder.]

GUARD2 There it is again! If this is one of your jokes...

GUARD1 Nervously,   It's nothing to do with me, mate.  You don't suppose... I mean, it sounds like something heavy being rolled.  Don't laugh, but it sounds like that big stone behind us is moving. A short, nervous giggle. Take a look will you.

GUARD2 Beginning to panic,  Why should I look on my own!

GUARD1 We'll look together; on the count of three.

GUARD2 Begins to count slowly, One ... two...

GUARD1 Wait!  Is that one, two, three, look, or one, two, look on three?

GUARD2 One, two, three, look. It takes a longer.

GUARD2 counts slowly to three, including 1 ½, 2 1/2, 2 3/4;  they look very quickly behind them and then quickly stare in front of them. Their eyes are wide with shock.  They tremble.

GUARD2 I don't feel very well.

They look at each other fearfully, scream and run off stage.

THE END

Home | Biography | Speaking | Writing | Links | Contact