Star Trek: A Christmas Story Drama
- The gospel message using a parody of Star Trek.
- Strictly speaking, we are not the next generation, but two
generations after the original series with Captain Kirk.
- So that makes us "Star Trek) The Next Next Generation?"
- Maybe we're really "Star Trek) Not the Next Generation but
the One After That?"
- Or maybe even "Star Trek) The Third Generation?"
- I feel confused.
- Me too. Ensign Crusher, set a course for the new parody. Warp
- (Picard sits down in his chair, giving his uniform top a tug
to straighten it out. Riker smirks. Wesley lays in the
- Course laid in, captain.
- (pointing finger) Engage!
- Special Effects:
- (The Enterprise is travelling at warp speed, just like in so
many other episodes. Hey, these parodies have a low budget, all
right? The bridge is filled with little kids, lined up to see Riker
(dressed as Santa Claus) with their parents. Picard is smiling
- (smiling) Yes, ensign?
- Sir, you don't like children. Remember?
- I don't?
- No sir.
- Oh--you're right! You know, it's been so long since the writers
did anything with that subplot that I completely forgot!
- (Picard now looks kind of annoyed and begins to pace
uneasily across the bridge floor.)
- Much better, sir.
- (As the last of the children file out, he takes off the Santa
hat and beard. The fat does not come off, because it is actually
- Are these annual trips to the bridge necessary, Number One?
- It helps the children feel more comfortable on the ship,
sir. Besides, it's only once a year. I don't think it's anything
worth getting upset about. Besides, I don't recall your being this
upset around children since the first season.
- Ah, yes, Ensign Crusher just reminded me that I do not like
children. I'd forgotten.
- It has been a while since the writers developed that subplot,
- Or the one with my eyes.
- Or the romance between Jean-Luc and Wesley's mother.
- I think the only subplot they haven't neglected is Deanna's pain.
- Yes Wesley?
- What started this whole Christmas story anyway? What brought
about this Santa Claus holiday?
- I really don't know.
- I must confess, I don't know either. It originally had to do
with some religious observation back in the pre-spaceflight era of
Earth, I think . . .
- People worshipped Santa Claus?
- (A non-descript crewman with a mass of curly hair at Data's
station clears his throat.)
- No, Jesus Christ.
- (Everyone is shocked.)
- I don't want to hear that sort of language on my bridge again!
This is a family tv show--do you what will happen to the ratings if
parents hear us using language like that, ensign . . .
- Green, sir. Ensign Keith Green. And I wasn't swearing,
sir. Jesus Christ is a man's name.
- (thinking momentarily) You're right. I just never hear it in
that context these days. I remember reading something about him a
long time ago. He was Jewish, wasn't he? Some religious figure from
twenty-five hundred years ago.
- But what does that have to do with Christmas?
- (A bright flash, and on the set appears . . .)
- Something I shall endeavor to show you right now, my dear Riker.
- The Wild West. The Final Frontier. No, no, that's not it. The
oceans, the final frontier. No, that's not it either. Space?
Yeah yeah, space, that's it. Space the final frontier.
- TThese are the voyages of the starship . . . ummm . . . Will,
what's our starship's name again? The Booby Prize? The
Door Prize? Oh yeah . . . the Enterprise. These are the
voyages of the starship Enterprise. her ongoing mission, to
. . . to . . . what is our mission, anyway? There was
something about frogs in there, right? To seek out new
frogs and . . . that's not it? New lifeforms? I want to
seek out new frogs! Oh, all right. To seek our new life
and new civilizations, to go boldly where no one has gone
before. That's not it? To boldly go? But that's poor
grammar! I can't split infinitives! I'm a Shakespearean
actor, I can't do that sort of junk, I'll lose my union
card! I'll be banned from the Bard! I'll be . . .
- (Opening credits end, we now see inside the bridge where
Picard is continuing his monologue.)
- I'll be barred unable to return to ACTER or the Royal Shakespeare
Company. Oh?? We're back to the show. Oops.
- What do you mean you're going to show us what Jesus Christ has to
do with Christmas?
- I felt badly about the rough treatment I gave you as Santa Claus,
and felt I should make it up to you. What do you say, Microbrain? Is
it a deal?
- Klingons do NOT gamble with all-powerful beings. You always
lie, and when you have nothing, you cheat.
- Only some of us, Worf. And we're not really all that
all-powerful. We just like to act as though we are. We're really
living a lie. Just like the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- But first, for some mandatory entertainment the writer promised
his brother he'd put into his next parody.
- (Q snaps his fingers.)
- Captain, there are two intruders in shuttle bay three. I am
dispatching a security team to apprehend them.
- (Worf leaves the bridge.)
- Oh good--do you suppose we could get prisoners?
- It is indeed likely, captain.
- Great! Maybe I can perform the opening soliloquy from Richard
III for them. I love a "captive" audience for my Shakespeare
- Captain, I feel I should warn you that we're starting to act like
we're in another parody.
- (thoughtfully) You're right--a bit like that "Hitchhiker's Guide
to Star Trek: The Next Generation," isn't it?
- Very much.
- (In shuttle bay three.)
- Worf to bridge. Captain, I have located two intruders in shuttle
- Why isn't anyone ever glad to see us?
- Wait--I know you two! You were in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to
Star Trek: The Next Generation," weren't you?
- I was afraid he might remember us. Run for it, Arthur!
- (He and Ford both turn and run into each other, knocking
themselves out in the process. Fortunately for them both,
there is a sudden flash as Dr Samuel Beckett leaps into
- Oh boy. Where am I now?
- (He looks at Worf's reflection on the side of a shuttle.)
- Oh no. What am I doing back here?
- (He finally manages to get to the bridge, saving Ford and
Arthur from Worf in the process, thereby accomplishing the
mission for which he was sent into Worf's body, and as a
result leaping back out of Worf and into his own TV show,
- I do not understand the poor writing quality of this story,
- Well, Data, it's all because some Trekker out there has a bunch
of stupid jokes he feels he has to tell, and no coherent plot to link
them together. Hopefully he'll get around to the main point soon.
- I agree. This is really getting absurd.
- Pay some attention to me, will you? I'm relatively omnipotent, I
shouldn't just be ignored!
- We'll ignore you for as long as we want, do you understand me, Q?
You're not the one writing this story, he is.
- (As Riker points toward the camera, everyone peers outward.)
- That boy is writing this story?
- What's that sweatshirt he's wearing? "Dr Who?"
- What an idiot. Doesn't he realize he has a final on Monday?
- I sense great anger building.
- (suddenly gets run over by a horde of elephants driven by
Hannibal, on his way to conquer Rome.)
- Picard to sickbay. Medical emergency on the bridge.
- How can the writer do that?
- Well, Wesley, he can do that because he's the writer and we're
just characters in his story.
- Gee Commander, that makes sense. I want to grow up to be just
- Why thank you, Wes. That's a very nice thing to say.
- (aside) Another Riker? What a revolting thought.
- Worf, quit crying! Just because he didn't write you in with a
better looking face is no reason to cry!
- Klingons do NOT cry. We just sulk. Usually with the regular
lights off and the Christmas lights going. Sometimes with the stereo
- Enough! Q, you said something about showing us the origins of
- Very well. But on one condition. A number of us over in the Q
continuum really enjoy your music, and we would you to do a
performance of some of your songs for us, like "He'll Take Care of the
- You sing?
- And play the piano. Why not come to one of my concerts on the
- Klingons do NOT attend concerts. We--
- Special Effects:
- (Through a Providential editing error, Worf is suddenly cut
off, thereby preventing viewers from finding out exactly
what it is that Klingons do. The entire picture goes
- I sure wish the viewers would adjust their set.
- They are not. Sir, request permission to kill the viewers.
- Denied, lieutenant. What would happen to our ratings then?
- (The whole picture shakes suddenly and clears up. Something
hits Wesley on the head.)
- Ow! Something hit me on the head!
- A shoe. Mr Johnson must have fixed his set finally. Thank you,
Mr Johnson, for everything. Especially for hitting Wesley.
- Special Effects:
- (The TNG crew find themselves outside a cave. They look
around. The only lighting available is provided by the stars and a
single torch burning inside the cave. There is a gate at the mouth of
the cave to keep the animals locked inside from escaping. A city is
not far away, but there is no artificial lighting except the burning
- Captain, tricorder readings indicate no electric power in the
vicinity. We appear to be located on a hill outside a small city.
Atmosphere is breathable; very similar to Earth, but with a much lower
pollutant content. There are three life signs inside the cave, sir.
They are human.
- Q--where are we?
- I don't see Q anywhere, captain. He seems to have left us here.
- Sir, I recognize some of the constellations. We're definitely on
- But where, Number One?
- If I may answer, captain, I believe we are located in the area
once known as Israel. It reestablished itself as a nation in the year
1948 and continued as a nation until it joined the United States of
Earth in 2109. It was the home of a unique group of people known as
the Jews, who--
- Yes sir?
- Shut up. Ensign Green, Ensign Crusher--go ask the people inside
if they can tell us where we are.
- (Wesley and Green climb over the fence and enter the stall,
up ahead they see a young man and woman. The woman is very
obviously pregnant and is going through labor.)
- (whispering) It sure smells in here.
- It's a manger, Wes. Animals live here. They crap here. Manure
isn't supposed to smell nice.
- And they're going to have a baby here? That's crazy! She could
- Maybe, but I doubt it. She's a tough lady to have gotten through
what she has already. (to the couple) Excuse me, can you help us?
- (The couple do not hear.)
- Clever, Q, clever.
- What? What is it?
- We can watch, we can hear, and we can observe. But we can't
interfere. They can't see us or hear us.
- Why not?
- What's going on is too important for us to interfere.
I think Q realized that. Captain, come on in! The
smell's bad, but that's the worst of it. We seem to be
trapped in another time reference plane; we can see
everything that happens with these people, but we can't
interfere in any way.
- (coming forward with others) Fascinating. Is this one of Q's
- I don't think so, captain. I may be wrong, but something tells
me this is real.
- I concur with Ensign Green, captain. I am unaffected by Q's
illusions, but I do perceive all that is happening here. We are
indeed witnessing an actual event on earth.
- From history, or the present?
- From history, captain.
- What makes you so certain, mister?
- Just trust me, commander. Look--she's giving birth.
- Ew, gross--look at all that blood!
- You are so weak, Wesley. Klingons prefer natural childbirth much
more to the humans' mechanized, painless births. It shows the woman's
- Shhh! Listen!
- Come on, Miriam, breathe. Now, push!
- Yuseph, (ugh) I (ugh) feel like I'm given birth to
a shekel of rock. (ugh)
- You are, Miriam. You are.
- What's a shekel?
- A shekel is a unit of measurement dating back to--
- A head begins to emerge, coated in blood. The rest of the body
emerges. He severs the umbilical cord, following proper medical
procedures, and smacks the child, who begins to scream loudly.)
- Are all human children so noisy?
- Most of them are, Data.
- Now I remember why I don't like children . . .
- Your first son, Miriam.
- (He holds the baby boy out to her; she takes him in her arms
and holds the screaming baby, a smile on her lips.)
- Will they not expose it?
- It is Klingon tradition to leave the children on a hill for the
night of their existence. If the child survives, it is raised up as a
true Klingon. This ensures that only the fit survive.
- No, Worf, human families don't do that. We generally place a lot
of value on our children.
- Your son, too, Yuseph.
- Not mine, but I will raise him as though he were.
- (suddenly appearing) Amazing, isn't it? Such a mighty being, but
such a humble birth. He has to scream and wave his arms when he wants
fed; he can't even fend for himself. He can't talk; he can't walk.
He'll have to learn, just like other children. He'll have to be
potty-trained, just like other children.
- Q, what are you talking about?
- The baby, who else?
- Let's leave the cave. I don't think we should intrude on their
moments together like this.
- Special Effects:
- As they leave the cave, a brilliant light suddenly floods
- So beautiful--such singing!
- Captain, no known astronomical phenomenon can account for this
light in the sky or for the singing we all hear. It could be the
wind, however, blowing through the--
- Shut up.
- Incredible, isn't it? The birth of a little boy. Do you begin
to understand now, Picard? Do you realize what Christmas is all
- It's related to that boy in there, isn't it?
- You're quite right. It's central to that boy. "Santa Claus" is
purely peripheral. He has nothing to do with Christmas.
- Captain, I sense a great joy flooding this land. It is unlike
anything I have ever felt before.
- Oh, I've felt it before. It's wonderful, no doubt about
that. But it's meant to be a permanent feeling. I suspect Q is going
to show us more about that soon enough. Q?
- Quite right, ensign. You are a quick one.
- (A great flash. The scene changes all around them. They
are now in a magnificent building where tables are
overturned, birds are flitting around, and sheep wander
through the area bleating stupidly. Amid the mess, a young
man is standing, preaching to a huge throng gathered around
him. A second man comes up to him and begins to talk with
- This preacher is the baby, isn't he?
- That's right, sir--he is.
- Blast it--where's Q? And how do you know these things, Green?
- This preacher did this? This man could be a Klingon. I see his
fire, burning fiercely--he would be a mighty warrior among the
Klingons, even for a human.
- Teacher, we know that you speak and teach what is right, and that
you do not show partiality but teach the way of God in accordance with
the truth. Is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?
- Show me a denarius. Whose portrait and inscription are on it?
- . . . Caesar's . . .
- Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.
- What was happening here, Keith?
- Well, Wes, that preacher just upset a lot of folks here, by
making a disturbance in this Temple. He took a stand for what's right
by driving out a lot of moneymakers. He felt that since God's love is
free, we shouldn't charge for it. A lot of people here are
questioning his authority, and trying to catch him in a mistake so
they can arrest him for insurrection.
- I sense a good deal of anger here, as well as confusion.
- He upset a lot of people by doing this. He also didn't take the
stand a number of people expected him to. See, his people--the
Jews--are occupied by others right now, and a lot of people are
expecting him to overthrow the occupiers. He pretty much just said
that they should be obeyed without violating God's laws.
- I see. Captain, the preacher mentioned "Caesar." I believe he
is referring to a ruler of the Roman Empire, which collapsed in the
sixth century A.D. As we are in the area of Israel, I feel it likely
that we are in the period termed 0-60 AD, when a number of Jewish
religious leaders appeared, claiming to be a "messiah."
- Interesting, Data. Can you narrow it down further than that?
- Not without further information, sir. I was never supplied with
much information on this period of Mediterranean history.
- (A bright flash. Q reappears.)
- Are you ready to go, Picard? There're two more things I want you
to see before we're finished.
- (Another brilliant flash, the bridge crew now appear on a
- Is that him? Good lord . . .
- I'm going to be sick.
- What has he done to deserve this? No warrior should face death
so ignominiously. It is a disgrace.
- I feel great pain, captain, and anguish.
- Don't you have any original lines, counselor? It's always "I
feel this," or "I feel that," or "I sense the other thing." Can you
not say something original.
- Oh, look who's talking--Mr "Klingons do NOT" himself. Talk
about a lack of original lines, Worf, why don't you--
- At ease, counselor, lieutenant.
- What have they done to him?
- They've crucified him, commander. It's a form of execution that
takes days to kill. It's very painful.
- Confirmed. Tricorder readings indicate unusual levels of lactic
acid in these three men. They are suffering from massive cramps
throughout their entire bodies.
- Data, why is it getting dark? I thought it was evening, but our
shadows are all wrong for that.
- We appear to be experiencing a solar eclipse. Processing
. . . Captain, we appear to be observing a time in the Earth's history
at approximately 30 AD. The configuration of the moon and the sun in
such an eclipse happens very rarely. By extrapolating backwards from
the known location of the celestial bodies in our era, I was able to
ascertain the most likely dates for this phenomenon to manifest itself
over Israel. This, combined with the information gleaned earlier
about the Caesars . . .
- Yes sir, I know. You wish me to shut up.
- (dry, raspy voice) My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
- Such despair! Will, we must do something to help him!
- We can't, counselor. He's dying.
- But I feel the anguish he's going through--it's so extreme! It's
like the joy I felt at his birth, but in reverse. I'm feeling his
death cries, and they're so tragic!
- We can't interfere. Even if we could, I wouldn't allow it. The
- Our own history--
- The will of God.
- Don't you understand? He has to die. Mankind is in a fallen
state, and needs God's mercy. God's justice is too demanding for us
to get in our own merit, so He needed somebody who was willing to take
our punishment on himself. Someone who was innocent, and undeserving
of God's wrath.
- You mean like this preacher?
- That's exactly what I mean. He hasn't done anything
wrong. He's obeyed God perfectly, which means he's the only one
capable of paying for our wrongs. He dies in our place, we can
receive forgiveness in his name.
- I believe I understand. This man is indeed a Klingon of
valor. For a righteous man, a few may dare to die. But for the
unrighteous, no one would die. He has shown himself to be a better
Klingon and a better warrior than me.
- Data, there is a sign above his head with writing on it. Can you
- It is written in three different languages, captain. They appear
to be Latin, classic Greek, and Aramaic. They all translate as
"Joshua of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." I am afraid I do not
understand the significance of this, captain. It was customary for
the Romans to list a man's crime on his crucifix. How is his position
as king relevant?
- That's his crime, Data. The Jews' only king was God. This man was
God in human form. That was too offensive for some. So they crucified him.
- (Worf advances to the foot of the cross.)
- (showing emotion) Joshua, son of God, I admit to you that I am
fallen from what I should be. I accept your sacrifice for me, and
commit myself to your service. Thank you.
- (Some blood drips onto Worf from above. He breaks down in
tears. Hey, so he lied about Klingons' not crying, OK? He
also lied about Klingons not playing with toys and not
- Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit. It is finished.
- Solar eclipse is now complete.
- Special Effects:
- (There is a sudden roar as an earthquake rocks the ground
and a bitter storm breaks out, pelting the bridge crew with
rain. People all around them scream, especially the two
other men crucified on either side of Joshua. Q reappears
in a flash.)
- Tricorder readings indicate that Joshua has died, captain.
- What do you think, Jean-Luc? Are you beginning to understand?
- Q! Take us out of here! Now!
- As you wish, mon captaine.
- (The scenery flashes brilliantly and the bridge crew find
themselves outside a cave. Four men stand outside the cave,
two are awake and alert. It is dark, but growing steadily
- Where are we now?
- We are not far from the hill where we just stood. We appear to
be outside the city beside a cave, which is being blocked by a huge
boulder and guarded by four Roman soldiers. The cave also has the
seal of the Roman governor on it. Breaking it is tantamount to
suicide, as the offender will be crucified.
- Ugh! I'd hate to break it.
- I really don't understand this. What has this to do with
- Getting confused, Picard? Feeling challenged? You heard about
all this before, but you treated it like a fairy tale. It's not; it's
history. I'm not making any of this up, the writer isn't making any
of this up. This happened outside Jerusalem in the year 30 AD. Just
watch, Picard, and think. He claimed to be the Son of God. This
moment, more than any other, will verify or deny that. And if he is
the Son of God, you have some thinking to do.
- I believe I know what happens next. He is a mightier warrior
than death, is he not, ensign?
- He is, Worf. That's how we know we're forgiven.
- (There is a brilliant flash of light. The Roman guards see
it and fall as though dead, they are so terrified. A figure
appears at the mouth of the cave, seizes the stone, and
tosses it up the hillside a good thirty feet where it comes
- How can he do that? That's impossible! That boulder must weigh
- (As the sun rises up in the east and brings a new day to
Israel, a second figure appears in the cave, simply garbed.
He is scarred on his forehead, wrists, and apparently his
- Impossible! One just doesn't get up after being dead!
- Most don't, captain, but One did.
- But how?
- He is the Son of God. Joshua, I salute you.
- Thank you, Worf.
- You can hear us?
- Of course, commander. Q is not as powerful as you think, or as
powerful as he likes to pretend.
- But how?
- Wesley, you saw me die. And now you have seen me rise from the
dead. I am the Son of God. Do you believe this?
- I--I do, Lord. Forgive me.
- (Wesley falls down at Joshua's feet.)
- I, too, believe you, Lord.
- And I.
- (They join Wesley at Joshua's feet.)
- And I. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me.
- (Q joins Green, Wesley, and Worf.)
- And you Will? Deanna? Jean-Luc?
- I . . . have seen much, Joshua. I must consider what I have seen
before I do anything.
- Very well. The time has come for you to return to the
Enterprise. If you look for me there, you will find me.
- (The scenery changes again. Q vanishes with it. They find
themselves back on the bridge.)
- It's hard to believe, but I think he'll pull through it.
- Commander Walnut:
- How did this happen anyway?
- He mouthed off to the writer.
- Are we back?
- Yes, you're back. I can't believe the nerve of you people,
anyway--running off like that when Geordi just got run over by a horde
- Captain . . . I . . . I have to confess something.
- What is it, Will?
- Seeing all that about Joshua has really convicted me of my
dishonesty. It's time I owned up. My name isn't really "William
T. Riker." I changed my name, and I changed my appearance, but I'm
- (Riker pulls off his beard and moustache and then grabs his
uniform and tears it to pieces, revealing a gold uniform
underneath. Then, getting a glass of water from the food
synthesizer, he dumps it on his hair and lets all the color
run out, revealing it to be blond.)
- No! You can't be!
- Yes. I'm really Captain James T Kirk. I'm sorry for the
deception, but after the Star Trek V fiasco, I felt it was a good idea
to go into hiding.
- Fascinating! I had hoped, dreamed, but never really thought that
it could be you! Jim!
- Data, what?
- (grabs his face and pulls it off, revealing it to be a plastic
mask which conceals his true identity. Once removed, we see a
familiar face with pointed ears and straight black hair.)
- Spock! It is you!
- Commander Walnut:
- This is getting silly.
- Incredible! Jim, Spock--it's me! Bones!
- (Pulaski pulls off her hair, mask, and uniform, and there
stands McCoy, in his familiar blue uniform.)
- Incredible--Bones! I had no idea!
- (Guinan walks onto the bridge.)
- I don't believe this! Mr Spock, sugah, it's me-- Uhura!
- (Uhura removes her disguise.)
- This is too much. Am I to believe that my entire senior staff is
really the entire bridge crew of Captain Kirk?
- (delirious) Och cap'n, I canna give ye anymore! The dilithium
crystals just canna take the strain! I can't change the laws of
- Captain, we're receiving a message from deck seventeen. One of
the Arbolians is suffering from advanced rootrot.
- Bones, go see if you can help.
- Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a tree surgeon!
- Commander Walnut:
- As I always suspected.
- This is too much.
- Captain, if you like I can lay in a course to take us off the
- By all means. Warp nine.
- Course laid in, sir.
The author of this parody happily waives all rights
pertaining to copyright. Feel free to add or subtract from
this parody as you feel appropriate. This parody was
originally written to glorify God, and it is asked that any
changes be made with the same attitude of reverence.
Please send additions or corrections to
Mathew and Paulyn Pole (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Last changed: Saturday 18th November 1995