:-)Star Trek: A Christmas Story Drama


Summary

Characters

Script

Data:
Strictly speaking, we are not the next generation, but two generations after the original series with Captain Kirk.
Riker:
So that makes us "Star Trek) The Next Next Generation?"
Wesley:
Maybe we're really "Star Trek) Not the Next Generation but the One After That?"
Pulaski:
Or maybe even "Star Trek) The Third Generation?"
Troi:
I feel confused.
Picard:
Me too. Ensign Crusher, set a course for the new parody. Warp three.
(Picard sits down in his chair, giving his uniform top a tug to straighten it out. Riker smirks. Wesley lays in the course.)
Wesley:
Course laid in, captain.
Picard:
(pointing finger) Engage!
Special Effects:
(The Enterprise is travelling at warp speed, just like in so many other episodes. Hey, these parodies have a low budget, all right? The bridge is filled with little kids, lined up to see Riker (dressed as Santa Claus) with their parents. Picard is smiling happily.)
Wesley:
Captain?
Picard:
(smiling) Yes, ensign?
Wesley:
Sir, you don't like children. Remember?
Picard:
I don't?
Wesley:
No sir.
Picard:
Oh--you're right! You know, it's been so long since the writers did anything with that subplot that I completely forgot!
(Picard now looks kind of annoyed and begins to pace uneasily across the bridge floor.)
Wesley:
Much better, sir.
Riker:
(As the last of the children file out, he takes off the Santa hat and beard. The fat does not come off, because it is actually built in.)
Picard:
Are these annual trips to the bridge necessary, Number One?
Riker:
It helps the children feel more comfortable on the ship, sir. Besides, it's only once a year. I don't think it's anything worth getting upset about. Besides, I don't recall your being this upset around children since the first season.
Picard:
Ah, yes, Ensign Crusher just reminded me that I do not like children. I'd forgotten.
Troi:
It has been a while since the writers developed that subplot, captain.
Geordi:
Or the one with my eyes.
Pulaski:
Or the romance between Jean-Luc and Wesley's mother.
Picard:
(blushes.)
Riker:
I think the only subplot they haven't neglected is Deanna's pain.
Wesley:
Commander?
Riker:
Yes Wesley?
Wesley:
What started this whole Christmas story anyway? What brought about this Santa Claus holiday?
Riker:
I really don't know.
Picard:
I must confess, I don't know either. It originally had to do with some religious observation back in the pre-spaceflight era of Earth, I think . . .
Wesley:
People worshipped Santa Claus?
Crewman:
(A non-descript crewman with a mass of curly hair at Data's station clears his throat.)
No, Jesus Christ.
All:
(Everyone is shocked.)
Picard:
I don't want to hear that sort of language on my bridge again! This is a family tv show--do you what will happen to the ratings if parents hear us using language like that, ensign . . .
Crewman:
Green, sir. Ensign Keith Green. And I wasn't swearing, sir. Jesus Christ is a man's name.
Picard:
(thinking momentarily) You're right. I just never hear it in that context these days. I remember reading something about him a long time ago. He was Jewish, wasn't he? Some religious figure from twenty-five hundred years ago.
Riker:
But what does that have to do with Christmas?
(A bright flash, and on the set appears . . .)
Q:
Something I shall endeavor to show you right now, my dear Riker.
All:
Q!
Narrator:
The Wild West. The Final Frontier. No, no, that's not it. The oceans, the final frontier. No, that's not it either. Space? Yeah yeah, space, that's it. Space the final frontier.
TThese are the voyages of the starship . . . ummm . . . Will, what's our starship's name again? The Booby Prize? The Door Prize? Oh yeah . . . the Enterprise. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. her ongoing mission, to . . . to . . . what is our mission, anyway? There was something about frogs in there, right? To seek out new frogs and . . . that's not it? New lifeforms? I want to seek out new frogs! Oh, all right. To seek our new life and new civilizations, to go boldly where no one has gone before. That's not it? To boldly go? But that's poor grammar! I can't split infinitives! I'm a Shakespearean actor, I can't do that sort of junk, I'll lose my union card! I'll be banned from the Bard! I'll be . . .
(Opening credits end, we now see inside the bridge where Picard is continuing his monologue.)
Picard:
I'll be barred unable to return to ACTER or the Royal Shakespeare Company. Oh?? We're back to the show. Oops.
Riker:
What do you mean you're going to show us what Jesus Christ has to do with Christmas?
Q:
I felt badly about the rough treatment I gave you as Santa Claus, and felt I should make it up to you. What do you say, Microbrain? Is it a deal?
Worf:
Klingons do NOT gamble with all-powerful beings. You always lie, and when you have nothing, you cheat.
Q:
Only some of us, Worf. And we're not really all that all-powerful. We just like to act as though we are. We're really living a lie. Just like the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Q:
But first, for some mandatory entertainment the writer promised his brother he'd put into his next parody.
(Q snaps his fingers.)
Worf:
Captain, there are two intruders in shuttle bay three. I am dispatching a security team to apprehend them.
(Worf leaves the bridge.)
Picard:
Oh good--do you suppose we could get prisoners?
Data:
It is indeed likely, captain.
Picard:
Great! Maybe I can perform the opening soliloquy from Richard III for them. I love a "captive" audience for my Shakespeare performances.
Riker:
Captain, I feel I should warn you that we're starting to act like we're in another parody.
Picard:
(thoughtfully) You're right--a bit like that "Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation," isn't it?
Data:
Very much.
(In shuttle bay three.)
Worf:
Worf to bridge. Captain, I have located two intruders in shuttle bay three.
Arthur:
Why isn't anyone ever glad to see us?
Worf:
Wait--I know you two! You were in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation," weren't you?
Ford:
I was afraid he might remember us. Run for it, Arthur!
Arthur:
Right!
(He and Ford both turn and run into each other, knocking themselves out in the process. Fortunately for them both, there is a sudden flash as Dr Samuel Beckett leaps into Worf.)
Sam:
Oh boy. Where am I now?
(He looks at Worf's reflection on the side of a shuttle.)
Sam:
Oh no. What am I doing back here?
(He finally manages to get to the bridge, saving Ford and Arthur from Worf in the process, thereby accomplishing the mission for which he was sent into Worf's body, and as a result leaping back out of Worf and into his own TV show, Quantum Leap.)
Data:
I do not understand the poor writing quality of this story, Geordi.
Geordi:
Well, Data, it's all because some Trekker out there has a bunch of stupid jokes he feels he has to tell, and no coherent plot to link them together. Hopefully he'll get around to the main point soon.
Green:
I agree. This is really getting absurd.
Q:
Pay some attention to me, will you? I'm relatively omnipotent, I shouldn't just be ignored!
Riker:
We'll ignore you for as long as we want, do you understand me, Q? You're not the one writing this story, he is.
(As Riker points toward the camera, everyone peers outward.)
Worf:
That boy is writing this story?
Wesley:
What's that sweatshirt he's wearing? "Dr Who?"
Geordi:
What an idiot. Doesn't he realize he has a final on Monday?
Troi:
I sense great anger building.
Geordi:
(suddenly gets run over by a horde of elephants driven by Hannibal, on his way to conquer Rome.)
Picard:
Picard to sickbay. Medical emergency on the bridge.
Wesley:
How can the writer do that?
Riker:
Well, Wesley, he can do that because he's the writer and we're just characters in his story.
Wesley:
Gee Commander, that makes sense. I want to grow up to be just like you.
Riker:
Why thank you, Wes. That's a very nice thing to say.
Picard:
(aside) Another Riker? What a revolting thought.
Q:
Worf, quit crying! Just because he didn't write you in with a better looking face is no reason to cry!
Worf:
Klingons do NOT cry. We just sulk. Usually with the regular lights off and the Christmas lights going. Sometimes with the stereo blasting.
Green:
Enough! Q, you said something about showing us the origins of Christmas.
Q:
Very well. But on one condition. A number of us over in the Q continuum really enjoy your music, and we would you to do a performance of some of your songs for us, like "He'll Take Care of the Rest."
Worf:
You sing?
Green:
And play the piano. Why not come to one of my concerts on the rec deck?
Worf:
Klingons do NOT attend concerts. We--
Special Effects:
(Through a Providential editing error, Worf is suddenly cut off, thereby preventing viewers from finding out exactly what it is that Klingons do. The entire picture goes blurry.)
Riker:
I sure wish the viewers would adjust their set.
Worf:
They are not. Sir, request permission to kill the viewers.
Picard:
Denied, lieutenant. What would happen to our ratings then?
Wesley:
(The whole picture shakes suddenly and clears up. Something hits Wesley on the head.)
Ow! Something hit me on the head!
Worf:
A shoe. Mr Johnson must have fixed his set finally. Thank you, Mr Johnson, for everything. Especially for hitting Wesley.
Special Effects:
(The TNG crew find themselves outside a cave. They look around. The only lighting available is provided by the stars and a single torch burning inside the cave. There is a gate at the mouth of the cave to keep the animals locked inside from escaping. A city is not far away, but there is no artificial lighting except the burning of torches.)
Data:
Captain, tricorder readings indicate no electric power in the vicinity. We appear to be located on a hill outside a small city. Atmosphere is breathable; very similar to Earth, but with a much lower pollutant content. There are three life signs inside the cave, sir. They are human.
Picard:
Q--where are we?
Green:
I don't see Q anywhere, captain. He seems to have left us here.
Riker:
Sir, I recognize some of the constellations. We're definitely on Earth.
Picard:
But where, Number One?
Data:
If I may answer, captain, I believe we are located in the area once known as Israel. It reestablished itself as a nation in the year 1948 and continued as a nation until it joined the United States of Earth in 2109. It was the home of a unique group of people known as the Jews, who--
Picard:
Data?
Data:
Yes sir?
Picard:
Shut up. Ensign Green, Ensign Crusher--go ask the people inside if they can tell us where we are.
(Wesley and Green climb over the fence and enter the stall, up ahead they see a young man and woman. The woman is very obviously pregnant and is going through labor.)
Wesley:
(whispering) It sure smells in here.
Green:
It's a manger, Wes. Animals live here. They crap here. Manure isn't supposed to smell nice.
Wesley:
And they're going to have a baby here? That's crazy! She could die here.
Green:
Maybe, but I doubt it. She's a tough lady to have gotten through what she has already. (to the couple) Excuse me, can you help us? We're lost.
(The couple do not hear.)
Green:
Clever, Q, clever.
Wesley:
What? What is it?
Green:
We can watch, we can hear, and we can observe. But we can't interfere. They can't see us or hear us.
Wesley:
Why not?
Green:
What's going on is too important for us to interfere. I think Q realized that. Captain, come on in! The smell's bad, but that's the worst of it. We seem to be trapped in another time reference plane; we can see everything that happens with these people, but we can't interfere in any way.
Picard:
(coming forward with others) Fascinating. Is this one of Q's illusions?
Green:
I don't think so, captain. I may be wrong, but something tells me this is real.
Data:
I concur with Ensign Green, captain. I am unaffected by Q's illusions, but I do perceive all that is happening here. We are indeed witnessing an actual event on earth.
Picard:
From history, or the present?
Green:
From history, captain.
Riker:
What makes you so certain, mister?
Green:
Just trust me, commander. Look--she's giving birth.
Wesley:
Ew, gross--look at all that blood!
Worf:
You are so weak, Wesley. Klingons prefer natural childbirth much more to the humans' mechanized, painless births. It shows the woman's strength.
Green:
Shhh! Listen!
Yuseph:
Come on, Miriam, breathe. Now, push!
Miriam:
Yuseph, (ugh) I (ugh) feel like I'm given birth to a shekel of rock. (ugh)
Yuseph:
You are, Miriam. You are.
Wesley:
What's a shekel?
Riker:
Shh!
Data:
A shekel is a unit of measurement dating back to--
Worf:
SILENCE!
Yuseph:
A head begins to emerge, coated in blood. The rest of the body emerges. He severs the umbilical cord, following proper medical procedures, and smacks the child, who begins to scream loudly.)
Data:
Are all human children so noisy?
Troi:
Most of them are, Data.
Picard:
Now I remember why I don't like children . . .
Yuseph:
Your first son, Miriam.
(He holds the baby boy out to her; she takes him in her arms and holds the screaming baby, a smile on her lips.)
Worf:
Will they not expose it?
Green:
What?
Worf:
It is Klingon tradition to leave the children on a hill for the night of their existence. If the child survives, it is raised up as a true Klingon. This ensures that only the fit survive.
Green:
No, Worf, human families don't do that. We generally place a lot of value on our children.
Miriam:
Your son, too, Yuseph.
Yuseph:
Not mine, but I will raise him as though he were.
Q:
(suddenly appearing) Amazing, isn't it? Such a mighty being, but such a humble birth. He has to scream and wave his arms when he wants fed; he can't even fend for himself. He can't talk; he can't walk. He'll have to learn, just like other children. He'll have to be potty-trained, just like other children.
Picard:
Q, what are you talking about?
Q:
The baby, who else?
Green:
Let's leave the cave. I don't think we should intrude on their moments together like this.
Special Effects:
As they leave the cave, a brilliant light suddenly floods the sky.
Troi:
So beautiful--such singing!
Data:
Captain, no known astronomical phenomenon can account for this light in the sky or for the singing we all hear. It could be the wind, however, blowing through the--
Wesley:
Data?
Data:
Yes?
Wesley:
Shut up.
Q:
Incredible, isn't it? The birth of a little boy. Do you begin to understand now, Picard? Do you realize what Christmas is all about?
Riker:
It's related to that boy in there, isn't it?
Q:
You're quite right. It's central to that boy. "Santa Claus" is purely peripheral. He has nothing to do with Christmas.
Troi:
Captain, I sense a great joy flooding this land. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before.
Green:
Oh, I've felt it before. It's wonderful, no doubt about that. But it's meant to be a permanent feeling. I suspect Q is going to show us more about that soon enough. Q?
Q:
Quite right, ensign. You are a quick one.
(A great flash. The scene changes all around them. They are now in a magnificent building where tables are overturned, birds are flitting around, and sheep wander through the area bleating stupidly. Amid the mess, a young man is standing, preaching to a huge throng gathered around him. A second man comes up to him and begins to talk with him.)
Riker:
This preacher is the baby, isn't he?
Green:
That's right, sir--he is.
Riker:
Blast it--where's Q? And how do you know these things, Green?
Green:
(grins.)
Worf:
This preacher did this? This man could be a Klingon. I see his fire, burning fiercely--he would be a mighty warrior among the Klingons, even for a human.
Man:
Teacher, we know that you speak and teach what is right, and that you do not show partiality but teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?
Preacher:
Show me a denarius. Whose portrait and inscription are on it?
Man:
. . . Caesar's . . .
Preacher:
Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.
Wesley:
What was happening here, Keith?
Green:
Well, Wes, that preacher just upset a lot of folks here, by making a disturbance in this Temple. He took a stand for what's right by driving out a lot of moneymakers. He felt that since God's love is free, we shouldn't charge for it. A lot of people here are questioning his authority, and trying to catch him in a mistake so they can arrest him for insurrection.
Troi:
I sense a good deal of anger here, as well as confusion.
Green:
He upset a lot of people by doing this. He also didn't take the stand a number of people expected him to. See, his people--the Jews--are occupied by others right now, and a lot of people are expecting him to overthrow the occupiers. He pretty much just said that they should be obeyed without violating God's laws.
Data:
I see. Captain, the preacher mentioned "Caesar." I believe he is referring to a ruler of the Roman Empire, which collapsed in the sixth century A.D. As we are in the area of Israel, I feel it likely that we are in the period termed 0-60 AD, when a number of Jewish religious leaders appeared, claiming to be a "messiah."
Riker:
Interesting, Data. Can you narrow it down further than that?
Data:
Not without further information, sir. I was never supplied with much information on this period of Mediterranean history.
Q:
(A bright flash. Q reappears.)
Are you ready to go, Picard? There're two more things I want you to see before we're finished.
(Another brilliant flash, the bridge crew now appear on a hill.)
Riker:
Is that him? Good lord . . .
Wesley:
I'm going to be sick.
Worf:
What has he done to deserve this? No warrior should face death so ignominiously. It is a disgrace.
Troi:
I feel great pain, captain, and anguish.
Worf:
Don't you have any original lines, counselor? It's always "I feel this," or "I feel that," or "I sense the other thing." Can you not say something original.
Troi:
Oh, look who's talking--Mr "Klingons do NOT" himself. Talk about a lack of original lines, Worf, why don't you--
Picard:
At ease, counselor, lieutenant.
Riker:
What have they done to him?
Green:
They've crucified him, commander. It's a form of execution that takes days to kill. It's very painful.
Data:
Confirmed. Tricorder readings indicate unusual levels of lactic acid in these three men. They are suffering from massive cramps throughout their entire bodies.
Wesley:
Data, why is it getting dark? I thought it was evening, but our shadows are all wrong for that.
Data:
We appear to be experiencing a solar eclipse. Processing . . . Captain, we appear to be observing a time in the Earth's history at approximately 30 AD. The configuration of the moon and the sun in such an eclipse happens very rarely. By extrapolating backwards from the known location of the celestial bodies in our era, I was able to ascertain the most likely dates for this phenomenon to manifest itself over Israel. This, combined with the information gleaned earlier about the Caesars . . .
Riker:
Data?
Data:
Yes sir, I know. You wish me to shut up.
Riker:
Please.
Preacher:
(dry, raspy voice) My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
Troi:
Such despair! Will, we must do something to help him!
Green:
We can't, counselor. He's dying.
Troi:
But I feel the anguish he's going through--it's so extreme! It's like the joy I felt at his birth, but in reverse. I'm feeling his death cries, and they're so tragic!
Picard:
We can't interfere. Even if we could, I wouldn't allow it. The Prime Directive--
Riker:
Our own history--
Green:
The will of God.
All:
What?
Green:
Don't you understand? He has to die. Mankind is in a fallen state, and needs God's mercy. God's justice is too demanding for us to get in our own merit, so He needed somebody who was willing to take our punishment on himself. Someone who was innocent, and undeserving of God's wrath.
Riker:
You mean like this preacher?
Green:
That's exactly what I mean. He hasn't done anything wrong. He's obeyed God perfectly, which means he's the only one capable of paying for our wrongs. He dies in our place, we can receive forgiveness in his name.
Worf:
I believe I understand. This man is indeed a Klingon of valor. For a righteous man, a few may dare to die. But for the unrighteous, no one would die. He has shown himself to be a better Klingon and a better warrior than me.
Picard:
Data, there is a sign above his head with writing on it. Can you read it?
Data:
It is written in three different languages, captain. They appear to be Latin, classic Greek, and Aramaic. They all translate as "Joshua of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." I am afraid I do not understand the significance of this, captain. It was customary for the Romans to list a man's crime on his crucifix. How is his position as king relevant?
Green:
That's his crime, Data. The Jews' only king was God. This man was God in human form. That was too offensive for some. So they crucified him.
Worf:
(Worf advances to the foot of the cross.)
(showing emotion) Joshua, son of God, I admit to you that I am fallen from what I should be. I accept your sacrifice for me, and commit myself to your service. Thank you.
(Some blood drips onto Worf from above. He breaks down in tears. Hey, so he lied about Klingons' not crying, OK? He also lied about Klingons not playing with toys and not taking hostages.)
Joshua:
Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit. It is finished.
Data:
Solar eclipse is now complete.
Special Effects:
(There is a sudden roar as an earthquake rocks the ground and a bitter storm breaks out, pelting the bridge crew with rain. People all around them scream, especially the two other men crucified on either side of Joshua. Q reappears in a flash.)
Data:
Tricorder readings indicate that Joshua has died, captain.
Q:
What do you think, Jean-Luc? Are you beginning to understand?
Picard:
Q! Take us out of here! Now!
Q:
As you wish, mon captaine.
(The scenery flashes brilliantly and the bridge crew find themselves outside a cave. Four men stand outside the cave, two are awake and alert. It is dark, but growing steadily brighter.)
Riker:
Where are we now?
Data:
We are not far from the hill where we just stood. We appear to be outside the city beside a cave, which is being blocked by a huge boulder and guarded by four Roman soldiers. The cave also has the seal of the Roman governor on it. Breaking it is tantamount to suicide, as the offender will be crucified.
Wesley:
Ugh! I'd hate to break it.
Picard:
I really don't understand this. What has this to do with Christmas?
Q:
Getting confused, Picard? Feeling challenged? You heard about all this before, but you treated it like a fairy tale. It's not; it's history. I'm not making any of this up, the writer isn't making any of this up. This happened outside Jerusalem in the year 30 AD. Just watch, Picard, and think. He claimed to be the Son of God. This moment, more than any other, will verify or deny that. And if he is the Son of God, you have some thinking to do.
Worf:
I believe I know what happens next. He is a mightier warrior than death, is he not, ensign?
Green:
He is, Worf. That's how we know we're forgiven.
Wesley:
(There is a brilliant flash of light. The Roman guards see it and fall as though dead, they are so terrified. A figure appears at the mouth of the cave, seizes the stone, and tosses it up the hillside a good thirty feet where it comes to rest.)
How can he do that? That's impossible! That boulder must weigh tons!
Picard:
(As the sun rises up in the east and brings a new day to Israel, a second figure appears in the cave, simply garbed. He is scarred on his forehead, wrists, and apparently his side.)
Impossible! One just doesn't get up after being dead!
Green:
Most don't, captain, but One did.
Riker:
But how?
Worf:
He is the Son of God. Joshua, I salute you.
Joshua:
Thank you, Worf.
Riker:
You can hear us?
Joshua:
Of course, commander. Q is not as powerful as you think, or as powerful as he likes to pretend.
Wesley:
But how?
Joshua:
Wesley, you saw me die. And now you have seen me rise from the dead. I am the Son of God. Do you believe this?
Wesley:
I--I do, Lord. Forgive me.
(Wesley falls down at Joshua's feet.)
Worf:
I, too, believe you, Lord.
Green:
And I.
(They join Wesley at Joshua's feet.)
Q:
And I. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me.
(Q joins Green, Wesley, and Worf.)
Joshua:
And you Will? Deanna? Jean-Luc?
Riker:
I . . . have seen much, Joshua. I must consider what I have seen before I do anything.
Joshua:
Very well. The time has come for you to return to the Enterprise. If you look for me there, you will find me.
(The scenery changes again. Q vanishes with it. They find themselves back on the bridge.)
Pulaski:
It's hard to believe, but I think he'll pull through it.
Commander Walnut:
How did this happen anyway?
Pulaski:
He mouthed off to the writer.
Picard:
Are we back?
Pulaski:
Yes, you're back. I can't believe the nerve of you people, anyway--running off like that when Geordi just got run over by a horde of elephants.
Riker:
Captain . . . I . . . I have to confess something.
Picard:
What is it, Will?
Riker:
Seeing all that about Joshua has really convicted me of my dishonesty. It's time I owned up. My name isn't really "William T. Riker." I changed my name, and I changed my appearance, but I'm still me.
(Riker pulls off his beard and moustache and then grabs his uniform and tears it to pieces, revealing a gold uniform underneath. Then, getting a glass of water from the food synthesizer, he dumps it on his hair and lets all the color run out, revealing it to be blond.)
Picard:
No! You can't be!
Riker:
Yes. I'm really Captain James T Kirk. I'm sorry for the deception, but after the Star Trek V fiasco, I felt it was a good idea to go into hiding.
Data:
Fascinating! I had hoped, dreamed, but never really thought that it could be you! Jim!
Picard:
Data, what?
Data:
(grabs his face and pulls it off, revealing it to be a plastic mask which conceals his true identity. Once removed, we see a familiar face with pointed ears and straight black hair.)
Kirk:
Spock! It is you!
Commander Walnut:
This is getting silly.
Pulaski:
Incredible! Jim, Spock--it's me! Bones!
(Pulaski pulls off her hair, mask, and uniform, and there stands McCoy, in his familiar blue uniform.)
Kirk:
Incredible--Bones! I had no idea!
Spock:
Fascinating!
(Guinan walks onto the bridge.)
Guinan:
I don't believe this! Mr Spock, sugah, it's me-- Uhura!
(Uhura removes her disguise.)
Picard:
This is too much. Am I to believe that my entire senior staff is really the entire bridge crew of Captain Kirk?
LaForge:
(delirious) Och cap'n, I canna give ye anymore! The dilithium crystals just canna take the strain! I can't change the laws of physics!
Kirk:
Scotty!
Uhura:
Captain, we're receiving a message from deck seventeen. One of the Arbolians is suffering from advanced rootrot.
Kirk:
Bones, go see if you can help.
McCoy:
Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a tree surgeon!
Commander Walnut:
As I always suspected.
Picard:
This is too much.
Wesley:
Captain, if you like I can lay in a course to take us off the air.
Picard:
By all means. Warp nine.
Wesley:
Course laid in, sir.
Picard:
Engage!

The author of this parody happily waives all rights pertaining to copyright. Feel free to add or subtract from this parody as you feel appropriate. This parody was originally written to glorify God, and it is asked that any changes be made with the same attitude of reverence.
Please send additions or corrections to Mathew and Paulyn Pole (mathew.paulyn@iname.com)
Last changed: Saturday 18th November 1995