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VEXATIOUS VIRGO... |
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 The Oracle of Bitter Truth for December 2001
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Greetings, little nagging type things of the virgin persuasion! How many people have you aggravated this month with your well-intentioned advice? We left you last month in the pursuit of ill-gotten gains so that you can fund the Society for Worry and Complaint and get on with the sacred quest you have undertaken.
All persons of your sign feel a ridiculous need to be of service, though why you would wish to serve the benighted denizens of this backward planet is beyond me, even if you were foolish enough to believe it would do any good (which it won’t) in the first place. As there’s nothing moving through the fatuous sign of Leo and your solar twelfth house at the moment, it’s unlikely that you’ll be caught and sent to prison so I suppose I’ll have to say yours is a charmed life and that you get away with your evil doings. Except, of course, your conscience will nag you, but that’s only a fair return on the nagging you do to the rest of the world.
The FULL MOON sweeps you into the month of deleterious December as you salt away your embezzled monies here and there whilst appearing to maintain a decorous and steadfast approach to your work. You’re also beginning to avoid the attentions of the military personage as the body lotion that she/he uses gives you a rash and you’re getting a little bored anyway. Venus the goddess enters Sagittarius and your storehouse of funds becomes so vast you begin to bury stashes of money in the garden at home, all correctly labelled in the guise of herbs and flowers from Italy and France. As Mercury the messenger and the great Sol Invicti conjoin and clash with sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, you begin to distance yourself from the military personage. This causes rows and tension so that when these two solar bodies cross paths with underworld Pluto, you end the relationship, claiming that you don’t like any form of argument or conflict.
Then, when mighty Mars moves into Pisces and your solar seventh house as Venus the goddess opposes sober Saturn, your ex-lover becomes your avowed enemy so you quit your job and, once again, your love life is the scene of heartbreak and tragedy. Oh well! You’ve saved lots of money, you still have the work at the house of ill-repute and that body lotion really was beginning to annoy you. Why don’t people realize how sensitive you are? As Chiron the wounded healer enters Capricorn and your solar fifth house, you’re ready to begin the crusade once more.
When NEW MOON comes in the sign of Sagittarius and your solar fourth house, bringing a solar eclipse, you sell your home and put all your money into a series of overseas investment properties and begin using the rental payments to fund your campaign. As Mercury the messenger moves into Capricorn, followed by the great Sol Invicti at the solstice, you launch a series of classes. These will introduce the public to correct methods of worrying. You will follow these up with seminars on setting the proper tone for anxiety and panic attacks.
But what’s this? As Mercury clashes with giant Jupiter and mighty Mars wrestles with sober Saturn, you find your ex-partner has hired smelly ruffians to picket your classes and has set up rival teachers of a bogus nature to spread a message of optimism and mindless cheerfulness and thus counter your society’s aims. The battle is on, little virgins! Then comes the horror of horrors! As mighty Mars squares underworld Pluto, your ex-partner comes to your new home, carrying a high-powered water pistol and ready to deal with the washing that is freshly pegged on the line (for that necessary dose of sunshine in the drying process). And what’s more, the pistol is loaded with dirty water! What a Christmas gift! Great Heavens, little virginal things! What will you do? Offer gold? Burn frankincense or heave your jar of myrrh like a missile? Perhaps you could send for three wise men though you’ll be lucky to find them on this planet. Farewell, little virgins! Click here next month to see what occurs!
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Updated: Tuesday, 5 February 2002
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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