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Kitty Tales |
Tech Humour
Tech Humour
I work in a large national organisation in IT Support, and for many years our local users submitted
their own IT requests using a program called Sysreq, which I created. This is a list of the funniest
and weirdest requests that we received. This list was also on our Intranet site until we had to stop
using Sysreq in favour of a national helpdesk. I think some people put in weird requests just to get
listed on these pages!
Names have been removed for obvious reasons. My comments are in grey. Yes, these are actual
requests!
Could you please send an internet to
<email address>
Sure, do you have a few billion terrabytes of disk space?
Good morning,
During the night my cheque swipe passed away. I know it is an emotional difficult moment and I
am truly sad but I would like to replace it with a new one asap. Thank you for helping me in this
difficult time.
No, no, no... you need to grieve for a while before getting another one. Come back in 6 months.
Hi Guys
I need a strong good looking guy to help with lifting some extremely heavy boxes.
The Sysreq solution read:
"She was after someone good looking but I went anyway."
New unread emails are appearing as 'read'. In other words they are not coloured red, which
indicates they are read!
Don't you just love the English language?
Poor
<name>
Cannot access her hard drive.
No, No, Not the soft one. The hard one.
The soft one!!??
Could I please have my keyboard cleaned. I am having difficulty with the shift keys and I know it
is almost always the user but I need all the help I can get.
Some people just can't be helped...
Could you please give my pc a bigger brain. It seems to be slowing down and not coping with life.
It won't open some of the forms - I have tried closing down all other applications and doing it so
as not to strain it but it still won't work.
Some PCs just can't be helped...
My PC monitor appears to be quite ill.
It is changing from its normal colour to a sickly blue tinge. Can you help it or is it fatal.
Cheers
Some monitors just can't be helped...
Mr
<name>'s
PC will not re-boot. Screen is blank. Request immediate assistance so he can get back to work and
stop bugging me.......
To resolve this problem you should boot the person bugging you.
did you guys kill any lines yesterday? If so, you killed me!
Lines? No, but I think I may have killed a curve.
<name>
put in a sysreq the other day to have this monitor changed co it was flickering.
<IT staff name>
came down and checked it out and I didnt have a problem with the flickering and he noticed something
was loose at the back which he tightened. Well all of a sudden I have noticed the monitor flickering.
So either it is playing up or I have taken too many drugs this morning. Could somebody please check
this out.
Just say no...
HELP!!!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!
i was too violent on QSP cant get in.
I cant do a group pick up on my phone
i am good for nothing
Have I ever mentioned that some people just can't be helped?
Hi
<name>'s
PC is ticking and we are not sure when it will explode?
please stop the ticking
PS it has a long fuse because it has been happening for a few days.
And you're only just reporting it now?!
Could I please be a pain and request that 2 of the cards that were previously printed by the wonderful
<IT staff name 1>
and that contained small typos by the irrepressable
<name>
be reprinted on the paper provided to the wonderful
<IT staff name 1>
. I have heard with great delight that this favour is being catered for by the most magnificent
<IT staff name 2> .
Whoa! Step back and give this person some air!
the printer hates me
help
Why yes, yes it does.
The printer toner needs to be replaced. We've had it given the shake treatment now its leaving dirty
marks all over our work.
Toner.......you are the weakest link, bye!
Ah Cornelia, my hero...
I seem to have lost all the work I did on Friday, and maybe Thursday, on a particular document. Is
there possibly anything I can do besides throwing myself under a train?
Well, you could always try the airport...
my dumb terminal is cooked (I think) - can someone please check it?
<In the voice of Homer Simpson>: Mmmmm, fried terminal, yaaarrrggghhhhh...
The light is blinking - it goes like this:
On
Off
On
Off
On
Off
Can someone please fix it. Thanks
We fixed it so it went
On
On
Off
Off
On
On
instead...
I am logged into the PC but the Lotus Note details are
<name>'s
instead of my own. Thank you, kind sir, in anticipation of fixing this problem. Nobody in their
right mind would want to read
<name>'s
e-Mails!
But you're losing your chance to gain some blackmail material!
can't group pickup on the phone, just needs a bit of tender loving care and also reprogramming
Please send the guru
For tender loving care, see the peron who submitted the request below.
I would like to bid a fond farewell to my dumb terminal. We have had some great times together,
but all good things must come to an end. So please be kind to it and remove and retire to that
great place in the sun, where all good terminals go. Peace Be With You All
This brought a smile to my face. What a nice request!
As you may be aware the tap dancing on my desk has ceased and the damage fixed, and I would like my
dumb terminal returned to its rightful place as soon as you can.
Not sure if I want to know...
I cannot get my DAT tape drive to work because the PC keeps telling me that it cannot find the driver.
I didn't even know that we had chauffeurs.
Yes, very funny. I haven't heard that one before. No, really. Now go stand in the corner.
HELP! MY WAND IS NOT WORKING SO I'VE FAILED FAIRY SCHOOL
Mind you, this was submitted by a male...
I need help???????
I cannot log-in.
Oh the wonderful
<IT staff name>
has helped, and came to my rescue once again.
Thanks a bunch
<IT staff name>
you are great.
Did he pay you to say that???
<name>
has forgotten her password (she drank champagne at lunchtime!)
I'll reset your password only if you invite me next time!
my computer is still logging me out, should I smash it and cuddle it? Please advise
I'd suggest you cuddle it first and then give it a kiss for good measure. If that doesn't work,
THEN you can smash all you want!
the writing on my Lotus notes screen is fuzzy, and it is not my brain, but if I keep reading
this screen all day the brain will become fuzzy.
You mean after 10 years here, your brain is still functioning??? Wonders will never cease!
My PC motor or whatever you guys call it, has a whine noise. Hopefully it is not taking after
its user.
Nope, it's much easier to put up with the PC noise.
<name>
expired on pc
Oh, the poor thing! I'll send flowers.
plese ignore my previous sys req. According to
<name>
I am a dill as I should have contacted another department.
As they say, "The customer is always right"!
Forgot PC login password - this is because Essendon lost..
Oh diddums! Your team lose one measly little game out of the whole season, and you complain about it!
Ummmmmmm the PC is broken.......
Ummmmmmm so is your temporal lobe which is responsible for metacognitive processes such as reading
the Sysreq Help file to discover that we need a fraction more information.
(Ooh! That's good for a Monday!)
message on printer is OPT RAS 1855 HAS MESSAGE CHECK DUPLEX CONECTION.
Please send domeone quickly before
<name>
has a heart attack and dies.
What, and lose my chance to have one less user to support?
PC printer refuses to print. Needs some professional coaxing.
Nah, you just have to talk to it nicely.
Pc is about to lock-up the thing which comes up before it locks has just
appeared do you think I am going silly
Ask a silly question...
cannot log properly into pc even after both cold and hot reboots.
as yet no attempt to jolt the equipment into life by use of a sledge hammer,
this option is being considered. please help in the interim.
Sure, here's a sledge hammer...
Please replace my dumb terminal. It has overheated and
started to smoke! I think this one is ready for silicon heaven.
Just goes to prove that smoking IS a hazard!
please replace my evil, corrupt user.dat with a nice clean pious
new one.
Ah, this must be one of the rare breed of users who actually knows what he's
talking about and has a sense of humour. Savour this moment - it may never
happen again.
Hi guys,
I was wondering, if it is not too much trouble, if you could find
it in your hearts to get me a headset for my phone? The massage guy
never comes to me and I've got this crick in my neck from holding the phone
on my shoulder. A massage would go down well too!!
No problem, just let me practise my Vulcan neck pinch first...
Unable to login - in putting password pop tells has performed an
illegal operation. Ceases at prompt.
Doesn't anyone use proper English any more?
I can not get into our web site...... Please send help.com.au...
Ah, Internet humour. It had to happen...
Please copy the floppy desk
I've heard of ergonomic desks, but not floppy ones!
Here are three separate requests from the same person, all on
the same day. Will someone please get this person a spell checker?
cant get lodge on the pc
I cant no tlodge on the pc
cant get lodge on to the pc
my phone is making a beeping noise- not sure if it's ASIO or the
batteries, Would you be king enough to check it out
thanks
Damn, they're onto us! This web page will self-destruct in 5
seconds...
help with file
I just love these really descriptive requests!
Would you be able to 're-glue' my fly-wire to my dumb terminal. I
think the glue has 'had it' and it keeps falling off!!!! I'm worried I
may get fly blown!! Thanks
Well, you could try using deoderant more than once a month.
Help my mute button is no working properly and I'm scared I'll say
something the client will hear. This is an emergency.
And this is a bad thing?
dumb
<name>
forgot her password into the pc, can you beat her up and fix up the
problem, thank you.
Hey, it worked! It's amazing how a few whacks around the head
can restore someone's memory.
Guys, my phone is not working. Now although I am not overly
concerned about this personally, my work colleagues are getting a mite upset.
Take your time coming around though!
Ah, the common slackassius species of user.
This one wasn't a Sysreq, but a comment during a phone call
that deserves to be listed here:
"I don't understand what you're talking about, but I don't believe
you."
Now there's an intelligent specimen...
I need to change the visual alarms on our call recording and do
not have the "Alarm Configuration" icon to enable me to. Do you know where it
has gone!! Is it hiding under your chair!! Can someone please return asap and a
reward is offered.
Only rewards containing caffeine, alchohol or money will be considered.
could l please get a new keyboard for my dumb terminal as my has
been overworked and has a need to retire.
Could I please get a new person for IT as I have been
overworked and have a need to retire. (Hey, it worked for the keyboard!)
Roller suckers dont work and I didn't do it.
Methinks you protest too much...
<name>
has killed the keyboard on her PC and therefore is unable to do any
work....we can't have that now can we.
I hope you realise that keyboard homicide carries a life sentence (of computer servitude).
Fax machine is broken (again). Not pulling paper through the reader
(again). Would like to find whoever is wrecking the machine and tell them not
to, preferably with a baseball bat to emphasise the point. (Overeacting? Who?
Me? Really?)
Err, you're not an ex postal worker, are you?
I needed a word document printed from disk last night. Rudely, and
in contravention of all established protocols, I marched into IT and demanded
service. Not an SR in sight (gasp!).
Now, as penance, and following two reminders, I'm submitting this so
<IT staff name>
has some stats to justify his (soon to be outsourced, but
anyway...) employment.
That's not enough. Say three hail servers and all will be forgiven.
I need help. My screen is quivering like a we're having an earthquake.
Nah, it's just scared you're going to crash the computer again.
PC has a purple color
And what a pretty PC it is!
the telephone she rings out, and I can hear the answerer, but they can't hear me
thanks in advance for your skilled intervention in this little problemo
Our "skilled intervention" consisted of releasing the mute button...
Hi there
Well hello to you too! Would you care to state the nature of your problem?
<name>
has lost her pictures, thingos or are they icons, please rectify as
your earliest convenience, she would very much appreciate having her thingos
back, thanks
All thingos captured and accounted for. Well, except for the
one thingo that got away.
Please create
<name>
as she has no PC access.
Ever had that omnipotent feeling?
email dead in the water! gives error can not find group stk1012.
have a nice day.
Well, what did you expect would happen if you poured water over your PC?
PC screen flashing and flickering madly. expect imminent demise. if
you come 'round quick you may catch its last minutes.
Sniff, we did everything we could, but we just couldn't save it.
Printer has a scrambled brain and won't print properly
I knew that my training in brain surgery would come in handy
one day!
De printer she has done gone totally bananas and is printing nought
but unaldulterated garbola
De user he has done gone totally bananas and is typing nought
but unaldulterated garbola.
I cant access my word icon
too scared to do anything
I am illiterate
Hmm, I get the feeling that people are doing this on purpose
just to get listed here.
That idiot
<name>
deleted my program. Please restore.
Yours sincerely
<first name>
, I wouldn't have done a thing like that myself of course,
<last name>
No, no of course you wouldn't. *snicker*
Could you please come and check our squeaky printer it is driving
us around the twist, every time it prints it makes alot of noise!!!
No problem, we supplied them with earplugs.
I am being harrassed by a printer. There was an error
writing@Printer2 etc. Please help
Perhaps we should consider formal counselling for the printer?
set up computer for access to intranet/internet. I think
<name>
showed me how to do it but i mustn't have been listening!
It's nice to see someone being honest for a change!
Still having email problems, can not access it. I have turned
the PC off & everything!! Keeps giving me the following error message:
STK1012.......sorry to be a nuisance but have been away 4 days & will have
a few e-mails..
....(.on second thoughts best it doesn't get fixed.)
Your wish is our command...
I have a cheque swipe that is not doing much of anything except
taking up space on the table.
Not unlike some people I know.
Hi!! My 'dumb' terminal is playing up. The details on the screen
keep moving like a wave. Would you be able to have a look please before I get
too seasick? Thanks.
No problem, we have plenty of paper bags.
G'day guys,
Bored are we?
I am trying to edit a picture in a word document. I need to delete
and change some of the text elements in the picture - some I have been able to
change, but others I can't. Please help. If you can't help, send a straight
jacket.
We're all out of straight jackets. However, we could arrange for some shock treatment.
The dump terminal keyboard is abit wet due to an unseen cup of hot
coffee. Also if you have a spare dress up there too
Sure, I'll send down a garbage bag and some duct tape.
want orange dumb terminal screen, want to swap with the screen on the
desk next to me.
Not until you say the magic word...
I can't insert a word document into an existing 42 page document as
the margins are going off the page! I need help no rush its not life
threatening yet but could be if I have to work it out for myself.
Choices, choices. Should I fix this problem, or be rid of another
user to support?
The mute does not work on my phone and people can hear me swearing......
Let's just verify that shall we? No, those beeps don't mean your Manager
is also on the line... *snicker*
clean and remove staples, wash and bathe the suckers then dry them
with loving care.
A day in the life of an IT staff member cleaning keyboards.
Sorry to bother you all yet again, but incoming callers can bearly
hear me at the moment. This would probably be a blessing for them under any
other circumstance, but at the moment it is difficult for them.
What was that? I couldn't hear you.
The Power Box connected to the chequeswipe will not
Will not what? Electrocute you? Sure, I can fix that.
Keyboard possessed and sending morse code messages - continual
beeping and flashing lights
Is there an exorcist in the house?
letters are shivering on the screen, cannot use
Did you try wrapping the monitor in a warm towell?
Printer is shooting off like a gun when the paper is trying
to go through. It's also jamming.
Help, we have a printer on a postal rampage!
PC keyboard is no more, it has ceased to be, it is an
ex-keyboard.
We gave it a good retirement package. It's now living in
Hawaii and renting itself out as a surfboard for mice.
Cheque swipe does not work. Might need it one of these days.
Hmmm... Someone else might need it too.
Its not working.............. help...............please
Err, what's not working? Your brain?
can i have the virtual library added to my programs - i am boring
and want something boring to read
Why not try the conditions of employment instead? The part about
non-performance is particularly boring.
this morning my password had expired I followed the instructions
but the system will not let me in the message reads run scandick for
windows
A Freudian slip?
cord pulled out of the socket by my foot
Solution: push in to socket by your hand???
Please remove the fungal growth from our printer
Sigh, how many times do I have to tell them that they can't print
on their lunch?
keyboard is stuffed
stuffed with what?
Disk surfasece check
Scheduale program help for bell
Can anyone read Swahili?
Logon errores agent blah blah
Email erorr cannot find blah .....
I may get to this tomorrow. Blah. Then again, I may not. Blah.
I demand a password now! and hurry up.....
Certainly madam. Your new password is 74656gSk763sf31100100111Ds9. Have a nice day.
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