Derek @ Work 

Autumn, Q2 2003

Derek's Birthday Gift Registry

29th April 2003 - Never asked for presents since age 10. Now, inspired by friends' wedding gift registries, it's taken me 18 years to regress to childhood, admit what I want, and not be afraid to ask for it.

1. Sangur Pura Arak/Toddy - Balinese coconut moonshine, usually with poor quality control. Very tasty, very strong. Malibu will do though (I guess, sigh).
   
2. Keretek Cigarettes (Sampoernas, Gudang Garams) - Why do the best things come from Bali? Probably worse for your lungs than sucking volcanic ash, but much much tastier.
   
3. A Lap Dance - Either the mountain goes to Mohammed, or Mohammed goes to the mountain. I don't mind, as long as Mohammed shakes that ass and shows me what (s)he's working with. No fat chicks. No men either. I mean it.
   
4. Thick black hiking socks - What can I do? I need them. Darker colours please. You can wear them for more weeks before the stains start showing.
5. Doobie snax (aka Munchies) - CCs, Doritos, Cheese 'n' Onion crisps. Bonus points if you also bring doobies.
   
6. 6. Roast Suckling Pig - Do I feel guilty requesting the death of a living thing to celebrate another corpulent year of consumption? Hmm, let me think... Nup. Put some pork on my fork.
   
7. A Venus Flytrap - Torturing insects was a large part of my formative years, whenever my dad dropped me off at some woodsy hellhole for babysitting. I'd like a carnivorous plant I can call my own. "Oh please, won't you grow for meee..."
   
8. Pyjama Bottoms - Drawstring pyjama bottoms. You can keep the tops. No dick-holes please. I'm paranoid about 'it' flopping out. I'll bet you are too, now.
   
9. A Small Camera Tripod - What's the use of having a sexy digital camera if all my timer shots look like they're taken on the deck of a sinking Titanic? This one's fairly pricey, so I don't mind if I don't get it.

Just deliver on or before 8th July 2003, and you will have a friend for life.

The Internet in Chains

7th May 2003 - Just received word that my MSN messenger is about to get canned. The Network Nazis with nothing better to do than block ports and stop services can't understand instant messaging, so they've labelled it 'insecure' - a death knell for yet one more thing that makes coming to work worthwhile.

Some time ago I was ruminating about how cool it was to talk to friends ('contacts' in business-speke) in KL and Buenos Aires at the same time. Now that's not going to happen anymore.

What happened to the 'smart' economy? What happened to worker satisfaction? Don't tell me work itself should be its own reward. If work was fun we wouldn't have to get paid to do it.

Sure I'll set about drilling a hole in the firewall immediately, and if all else fails I'll have my aliased paperweight. But 'Buddy', I'll miss you. ;_;

The Sound of Finance

1st April 2003 - I've been restructuring my portfolio for tax reasons. My accountant explains it better.

You have so much power with the internet. I'm clicking here, dragging there, buying and selling with the press of a button, filling my world with the sound of finance.

It's actually quite scary how easy it is to play with money you don't have and plunge yourself into a world of shite.

It's the second day of the Gulf War, the Iraqis are counter-attacking, and the market is going south. I'm losing money every second and some pleb decides to talk to me about shared borders on the intranet.

I had to ignore her for a full ten minutes before she got the picture and went back to her desk. I did have the courtesy to say 'goodbye' though. I'll always reward people with a perky 'see ya' for leaving me the fuck alone.

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