(Sep) On hard rubbish week, the kerb was crowded. So many applicances have bit the dust in the past year. The microwave went quietly in its sleep, its digital clock no longer displaying the wrong time. The washing machine exploded when Hye-Won used it, and it took two weeks for the fumes to dissipate. I thought that Ting Ting would kill it in an interesting way, or Ayumi would work it to death, but you never can tell. Finally, my 15" monitor flickered yellow for the last time. It hasn't technically 'died', but it's never been the same since I fiddled with it.
About a year ago, I opened the back and cranked up the control capacitors because it was getting a little dim. I downed a fifth of whiskey beforehand so that my muscles wouldn't seize if 5,000 volts decided that the shortest path to the ground was through me. Nothing like that happened, and I seemed to have fixed it.
But just a week ago it started discharging even when it was turned off. It was a matter of time before it degaussed and killed someone. I'd rather it was in another suburb when it went critical, so: time for it to go.
Was it hard leading these trusty mechanical domestiques out to the gutter? I grew up with the washer and the microwave, and the screen may as well be an antique. Do I miss them, even just a tiny bit?
Actually, no.
I got a sweet microwave and the front-loader of my dreams from Spend-n-Save. $50 for a microwave. $430 for a washing machine. Factory seconds, still under warranty, and they replace it straight away if anything is the matter. Spend-n-Save, South Road, that's all you need to know. The microwave is stainless steel, oh so sexy. The washing machine uses so little water my clothes come out drier than they went in.
Finally, I snaked Rhea's sister and bought Jon's 19" flat screen from him. No shit, It's like a movie screen. I threw a level 9 fireball in Neverwinter Nights and incinerated 15 zombies. (My summoned creatures minced the rest of the undead.) And I was crying, crying I tell you! "Ooo! This fecking ROCKS!" Hmm. Better type quiet, the Xbox is getting jealous.
Hard rubbish gameplay is amusing to watch. Every time I pass the front of my house, the pile is different. Someone's already taken the screen and washer. (The microwave is chopped liver.) I gained and lost a photocopier and a bicycle. I think the photocopier has come back again. It's like a backpacker hostel for used whitegoods.
(July) It's my birthday, and I'm handing out the presents! Be the first person to name the song which I have pasted lyrics from into the cartoon, and my gift to you will be the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD.
I've always been a bit of a shit stirrer, but recent events (which will be elaborated on later) have left me even less restrained. Living out a week as if it's your last has made me realise how much I usually live for the future, rather than in the moment. A near death experience? More like a near life experience; to almost know what it is to be alive, at 200kph, 3km up. Were it all to end suddenly, I know I would be satisfied. That's why I feel qualified to hand shit around.
It's a rite of passage for 9 Wallala housemates to trigger the burglar alarm, and the 18th of July was Hye-Won's turn. I must say the alarm is piercing. My colleagues could hear it, and me screaming the master code into the phone.