Troublespeak

Make work fun. Introduction | Contribute (home)

Aliasing - Requisitioning forbidden equipment by calling it something else. "They wouldn't let me have a modem for security reasons, but I aliased it as a paperweight."

Flexi-creep - Flexi-time: Think of a time 'bank account' where extra time spent at work is deposited. After you have accrued the equivalent of a working day, (usually 7.5 hours) you may arrange a 'flexi-day' off. Flexi-time is usually calculated as a running total on your timesheet. 'Padding' your timesheet by a few minutes here and there to accumulate time towards a 'flexi'-day-off. Calculate!

Network Nazis - If a free network is insecure/illegal/costly, how come these nerds can still download all the porn and mp3s they can eat? Answer: they're either as clueless as the rest of us, or as hypocritical as the rest of us. Either way, they deserve execution for blocking everything that makes work fun.

OMC - Obscure Management Committee - Similar to 'Powering' - what you write on the in/out-board or in your Calendar when you want to toilet-sleep and still get paid.

Powering - putting the word 'power' in your calendar before everything you do to lend it business credibility. ie 'power-planning', 'power-conference', 'power-shopping'. It works.

Scheduled Sick Day - You get sick leave, you get fired, you lose sick leave. Familiar story? Don't waste sick leave again! Attitudes are contagious, so consider your colleagues who'd be infected if you went into work with a "couldn't be f*cked" attitude. Schedule your Sick Days on Thursdays so it's not obvious. Then, if you need to, throw another one Friday.

Secondly Rate - How much you get paid per second. Calculate this to keep yourself motivated at work. Next meeting some doofus keeps whining on at you, don't think about how nice it would be to cap his ass. Count each second with a smile and say: "Oh my, that's another 0.6¢ in my bank account." Calculate!

Slacktivism - Protesting corporate exploitation through exploiting your company by doing nothing.

Toilet-sleeping - Lock the cubicle, put down the cover, place your head on the soft rolls, and drift into Never-neverland. A very useful skill to have if you want to live a life outside work. Remember to 'OMC' beforehand.

Unpaid undertime - When you're forced to work unpaid overtime but spend it surfing porn, calling long distance, or toilet-sleeping.


Introduction

Language has become so pervasive that we are unable to conceive new thoughts without the words to express them. Putting communication before creation - the cart before the horse - is how we unknowingly remain conformist. Without the words to express specific dissent, we become incapable of dissenting. (Refer: 'Newspeak' in Orwell's '1984').

It's all very well if you're satisfied with the corporate status quo. But if you aren't, and you can't put your finger on what you want to change, try infecting yourself with these new words.

They're an alternative meme to quitting.