A Compilation of the CNNNN Newsbar - Visit cnnnn.com for more Episode 1 Patriotic farmer produces star-spangled banana - Greenpeace condemns Vin Diesel as environmentally unfriendly - THIS DRUG IS SO EFFECTIVE I'LL PAY DOUBLE FOR IT - Psychic accurately predicts parents' disgust at career choice - Body shop releases product not based on fruit - Hewitt announces plan to play in women's clothing after watching 'Rocky Horror Show' for motivation - Insecure rapper believes he's only number two - Vodafone gains publicity, infamy after sending streaker to Ground Zero commemorations - Eleven-year old declared world's oldest recorder player - Critic twists words in movie title to describe how bad movie is - CNNNN announces minute of silence 11.00am tomorrow to commemorate today's minute of silence - Talkback host understands issue - Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon to sue him after latest nose job - 3-day-old fly suffers midlife crisis - Ronald McDonald exposed as phoney clown who knows no tricks - Refresher towelette actually removes oil from fast-food eater's hands - Pinocchio stuck in abusive relationship with termite - Judge criticised for heavy sentence after Hamburglar gets 25 to life - Cab driver unwittingly delivers political monologue to deaf person - Male homing pigeon refuses to ask directions - CNNNN weather channel soundtrack tops adult contemporary charts - Insiders tip CNNNN Newsbar to take out this year's Nobel prize for literature - Michael Jackson admits cutting off most of nose to spite face - School photographer jaded - Amnesty International to aid victims of last year's 'America - a tribute to heroes' telecast - BREASTS - Birds of a feather accuse feather of being negligent owner - MORE EXPENSIVE DRUGS, HOW GOOD IS THAT? - America cracks down on 'unpatriotic' Hindu-Arabic numerals - Reader claims white pages L-Z not as good as A-K - US army accidentally bombs afghan wedding guests' funeral - Microchipped children in UK mistaken for dogs and desexed - Expensive mobile phone owner actually uses expensive mobile phone function - Man tells good woman there are no good women left - Drifter becoming more popular career choice for young - Computer-generated tennis player Simonya Popova fares poorly in US open but still defeats Kournikova - Bird and bee have sex with disastrous results - St Vincent de Paul fails dress code for swish heaven party - Duelling amputees fail to reach handshake agreement - Michelin Man concerned horizontal stripes make him look fat - Whoopee cushion used a second time - Yass declared best city in world by touring popstar - Mr T biding time until gold chain renaissance - If you can read this, you don't need glasses - Cartoonist's Mark Latham caricature requires nametag to be identifiable - Channel nine reclassifies shane warne bowling as "right arm slow" - Primary school bushfire results in 3rd degree chinese burns - Greenpeace condemns Vin Diesel as environmentally unfriendly - BENNY HILL WRITER MAKES GUEST APPEARANCE ON CNNNN NEWSBAR - CNNNN TESTS WHETHER COLOURED [etc] TEXT IS TOO DISTRACTING - Depressed, lonely Newsbar writer fears no-one ever reads his work. To prove him wrong email newsbar@cnnnn.com - Voice-over guy describes lame sit-com as "riotous" - 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' actors finally abandon hope of fourth movie - Couch potato believes 'Abdominator' will solve his weight problem - Drug Tsar overthrown by drug peasantry - British PM Tony Blair says famine, war, disease, poverty in Africa make him feel bad - Scientists discover scooter-loving gene - Couch potato now believes 'Abdominator 2002' will solve his weight problem - Beggar pretends not to see Mormon - Jousting wins phallic symbol awards for record 319th year - Abbreviated SMS message requires three messages to clarify - Couch potato decides McDonald's new fries oil makes Abdominator 2002 unnecessary - Claustrophobic deathly scared of Santa Claus - $25,000 dress completely unsuitable for any occasion - Kinder Surprise toy only enjoyed by eccentric adolescent - Adam Sandler grounded by 10-year-old son - Baghdad Bombers football team suffer all-time low membership figures - Corduroy-coated sheep unshorn for 15 years - Female donkey finds sex intimidating - Molly Ringwald's career resurrected with new film 'Sixty Candles' - Private school kid moved by urban poetry - Fungry's nutritionist proves fruit is lethal - '70s icon reduced to parodying himself for a living - Nigerian bank surprised by difficulty of giving away US$32 million - Journalist celebrates 30th anniversary of commencing yet-to-be-completed novel - Howard announces he may recognise Kyoto: "I'm pretty sure it's in Asia somewhere" - Patron pays attention to cinema pre-show advertising - Ten most annoying people on Australian television named. All 10 positions taken by Gabby Millgate characters - Dull, boofy bloke tipped to win Australian 'Big Brother III' - Pope becomes first man to be able to give himself blow job - Tributes flow for dead Hollywood celebrity no-one remembers - David Beckham demands to be mentioned on this Newsbar. Fears lack of publicity - Saddam: America makes 'great hamburgers' - Sewer rats aspire to live in gutter - Paparazzi mob Rolling Stones tour after mistaking them for young interesting band - Kung Fu movie hero vows revenge on man who killed his father - Adelaide man still can't see why it's funny that the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side - Movie character notices news story she's watching is relevant to her life - Frustrated driver massively overestimates time traffic light has been red - Humpback Whale changes species after massage - National Nine News runs for three hours on slow news day - Britney Spears finally accepts her name isn't a joke - Tim Ferguson's career finally hits rock bottom - Social workers convince street sign to go home - Manic depressive prescribed Tampax for 'ultimate confidence' - Testicular lump turns out to be testicle - 'Joseph Peabody from 32 White Ave Anonymous' Group closes due to anonymity concerns - Israel cracks down on weirdos - Holden and Ford in peace talks - Used bubblegum salesman worries she's ahead of her time - Hotmail celebrates its zillionth unsolicited email - Killer pigs in Uzbekistan claim tenth victim in under a week - Magic Johnson admits magic has gone - Scientists: venus fly trap may not have originated on venus - Gigantic comet threatens to destroy Oprah Winfrey - Atlanta Braves change name to Atlanta Cowards Episode 2 Guilty man assists police with their inquiries - Streaker photocopies arse for resume - Standup comedian asks crowd member where he's from - Scientists discover link between daffodils and cancer - Stern cigarette health warning fails to deter 100 millionth smoker - Musketeer controversy: D'Artagnan to pursue solo career - Grudging apology sounds like insult - Fascist trains fail to run on time - Burmese govt admits Myanmar renaming campaign hasn't taken off - Word "dude" officially no longer cool - Viewer momentarily distracted by newsbar - Swiss driver can't get out of neutral - Student's report card has nine straight satisfactorys - Second-hand music store alphabetises CDs - Air conditioners hit by exotic French foreign legionnaire's disease - Weeping statue of Virgin Mary "feeling much better" - Boyfriend has to wait only 20 minutes for girlfriend to get ready - Oscar the grouch moves into skip after winning Lotto - Hunt for remote control reaches day 297 - TV execs run out of names for renovation shows - Man can't tell difference between English breakfast and Irish breakfast - Studies show all the best people ignore show and just read newsbar - 8-year old learns violin of own free will - Critic dubs Barwick primary school year 5 play "best production of hair ever" - Acne cream works on teenager - Scientists develop hippie-repelling Sergeant Pepper spray - Cricket banner features lame pun - DNA samples prove murderer has DNA - Gay closet comes out of itself - Bin Laden agrees to return to NY if "fair trial" can be guaranteed - Man tells two Bond films apart - something to do with actors - Old person buys DVD player - Ethnic comedian funny because she's ethnic - Britney Spears names rain man star Dustin Hoffman "autist of the millennium" - Most AFL fans still gaining pleasure from Carlton's wooden spoon - New Home & Away cast member tipped to be 16, fresh-faced & blonde - DJ starts playing song before listener's finished requesting it - ugly slob made more attractive because of beer he drinks - "Young Lions" placed on endangered series list - Eco-conscious interrogator uses energy-saving bulb in lamp - Iraq agrees to admit UN parking inspectors - Character in movie wakes from nightmare and sits bolt upright - American loud - Nostalgic bacteria longs for the good old microseconds - ACCC critics say it has "too many C's" - "No frills" confounded by poor frills sales - Fertile soils and more tree rights granted due to poplar demand - Teen refuses to try cigarettes on evidence of anti-smoking videos at school - Action hero cuts wrong wire when defusing bomb - 99% of transformer toys now transformed into scrap metal - Defence minister sacked over Iraq: Downer appointed minister for attack - New technology promises to make mobile ringtones not sound crap - German and non-German laugh at same joke - Neil Diamond sets out on twelfth "final tour ever" - Headless male praying mantis sues wife for sexual harassment - Mormons impose fatwa on anti-bicycle author - Woman orders dinner roll at KFC - Dyslexic thinks Beowulf makes sense - Maths whiz asks not to be called "whiz" - Ground Zero reconstruction plans: "this time we'll spell centre correctly" - Stubborn laser disc owner refuses to believe technology is dead - Footy finals fever victim outraged by hospital waiting time - Water cooler sick of being talked around - Cloud 9 full - young lovers directed to channel 10 - AFL grand final day nickname changed to "that other day in September" - Wynona Ryder lands sappy female role - Gambler less entertained after taking money home - CNNNN denies rumour it will be renamed CNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. management admits considering CNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN - Ugly duckling becomes beautiful, insecure swan - US senate bans cloning of humans and Michael Jackson - Video hire costs more than movie - Drunken law student threatens to sue bouncer - Car owner unsure whether mechanic did anything to car - Howard clarifies retirement plan: "I meant I'd leave when Peter Costello turns 64" - Teenager swears to sceptical friends she's sooo drunk - Trendy font designer hijacks news bar -Peckish pensioner enjoys between-meals dog biscuit - TV channel promotes watching TV channel to people watching TV channel - CNNNN wrestling hour features more than four minutes of wrestling - Nightclub charges ludicrous amount for water bottle - Latest figures show 78% more weirdos on buses than trains - Christian channel boasts record ratings of 0.01% - Flight steward delivers safety announcement with bizarre sing-song lilt - R2D2 bemoans shortage of non-natural shampoos and exfoliates - Souths to fund further Bulldog's salary cap breaches in bid to avoid 2003 wooden spoon - Insecure boyfriend pretends to understand French restaurant menu - Princess Anne strongly denies "snooty" claims - New "diet water" contains 90% fewer trace elements - Cars at standstill in car lot - Govt plans $50m advertising campaign to fight perception of excessive spending on advertising - Amnesia victim grateful guest on 'this is your life' - Episode of Neighbours fails to explore a current social issue in responsible manner - TV cartoon show appoints non-blonde, unsexy male host - Iraqi tourism board blames exchange rate for poor turnouts - Man openly browses adult section of local video store - Theme park less fun than it looks on TV - Radio announcer overly excited about traffic - Razor blade ad features naked man holding baby - Teen party-hards sing retro song lyrics raucously - Non-crap music fans offer to pay for entire N'Sync group to be sent into space - Novelty 'la cucaracha' ringtone spoils Pittsburgh minute of silence - Toe-stubber wishes he hadn't placed chair there - Fungry's introduces big breakfast burger, a highly nutritious and tasty way to start the day - Steve Bang named father of the year. judges cite quantity, not quality - CNNNN increases sincerity on-air - Public rejects plan to build target store on WTC site - Michael Jackson does something normal - Transformers' optimus prime seeks more respect: changes name to optimus prime maximoso - King condemns King-sized Mars Bars as "excessive" - Nothing funny happens after Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into bar - Tennis fans forget why André Aggasi is supposed to be popular - Twenty-year film moratorium called until there's more classic TV to rip off - Vegemite inventor admits it was all just a joke - Bush orders bombe Alaska in restaurant: misinterpretation leads to terrible tragedy in Anchorage - Uninformed git carries on like stockmarket expert - Long block of non-stop rock finally stops - Pamela Anderson's chest receives world heritage listing - CNNNN tests whether coloured text too distracting - Yes it is - "September 11 changed my life": African famine victim - Cheat prospers - Political activist disappointed feminist rhetoric hasn't helped him pick up - Middle-aged albino concerned about stray black hairs - Anti-smoking campaigner quits after extinguishing fire - Sci-fi fan suffers breakdown: loses beard, acquires tan and friends - Crocodile hunter captures alligator in listless, indifferent fashion - Burger king fears burger monarchy becoming irrelevant - Liza Minnelli even uglier than before - Model's trendy 'heroin chic' look only accentuated by her fatal overdose - Easter bunny's kids find Anna Nicole-smith highly implausible - Scratch lottery loser consoled by second chance draw - Obesity top cause of death in us again in absence of further terror attacks - Man misses sexual subtext of ice cream ad - Spittoon manufacturer claims spittoons are "on their way back in" - "Classic Hits" radio station plays Lee-Ann Rimes anyway Episode 3 Patriotic farmer produces star-spangled banana - Greenpeace condemns Vin Diesel as environmentally unfriendly - THIS DRUG IS SO EFFECTIVE I'LL PAY DOUBLE FOR IT - Psychic accurately predicts parents' disgust at career choice - Body shop releases product not based on fruit - Hewitt announces plan to play in women's clothing after watching 'Rocky Horror Show' for motivation - Insecure rapper believes he's only number two - Vodafone gains publicity, infamy after sending streaker to Ground Zero commemorations - Eleven-year old declared world's oldest recorder player - Critic twists words in movie title to describe how bad movie is - CNNNN announces minute of silence 11.00am tomorrow to commemorate today's minute of silence - Talkback host understands issue - Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon to sue him after latest nose job - 3-day-old fly suffers midlife crisis - Ronald McDonald exposed as phoney clown who knows no tricks - Refresher towelette actually removes oil from fast-food eater's hands - Pinocchio stuck in abusive relationship with termite - Judge criticised for heavy sentence after Hamburglar gets 25 to life - Cab driver unwittingly delivers political monologue to deaf person - Male homing pigeon refuses to ask directions - CNNNN weather channel soundtrack tops adult contemporary charts - Insiders tip CNNNN Newsbar to take out this year's Nobel prize for literature - Michael Jackson admits cutting off most of nose to spite face - School photographer jaded - Amnesty International to aid victims of last year's 'America - a tribute to heroes' telecast - BREASTS - Birds of a feather accuse feather of being negligent owner - MORE EXPENSIVE DRUGS, HOW GOOD IS THAT? - America cracks down on 'unpatriotic' Hindu-Arabic numerals - Reader claims white pages L-Z not as good as A-K - US army accidentally bombs afghan wedding guests' funeral - Microchipped children in UK mistaken for dogs and desexed - Expensive mobile phone owner actually uses expensive mobile phone function - Man tells good woman there are no good women left - Drifter becoming more popular career choice for young - Computer-generated tennis player Simonya Popova fares poorly in US open but still defeats Kournikova - Bird and bee have sex with disastrous results - St Vincent de Paul fails dress code for swish heaven party - Duelling amputees fail to reach handshake agreement - Michelin Man concerned horizontal stripes make him look fat - Whoopee cushion used a second time - Yass declared best city in world by touring popstar - Mr T biding time until gold chain renaissance - If you can read this, you don't need glasses - Cartoonist's Mark Latham caricature requires nametag to be identifiable - Channel nine reclassifies shane warne bowling as "right arm slow" - Primary school bushfire results in 3rd degree chinese burns - Greenpeace condemns Vin Diesel as environmentally unfriendly - BENNY HILL WRITER MAKES GUEST APPEARANCE ON CNNNN NEWSBAR - CNNNN TESTS WHETHER COLOURED [etc] TEXT IS TOO DISTRACTING - Depressed, lonely Newsbar writer fears no-one ever reads his work. To prove him wrong email newsbar@cnnnn.com - Voice-over guy describes lame sit-com as "riotous" - 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' actors finally abandon hope of fourth movie - Couch potato believes 'Abdominator' will solve his weight problem - Drug Tsar overthrown by drug peasantry - British PM Tony Blair says famine, war, disease, poverty in Africa make him feel bad - Scientists discover scooter-loving gene - Couch potato now believes 'Abdominator 2002' will solve his weight problem - Beggar pretends not to see Mormon - Jousting wins phallic symbol awards for record 319th year - Abbreviated SMS message requires three messages to clarify - Couch potato decides McDonald's new fries oil makes Abdominator 2002 unnecessary - Claustrophobic deathly scared of Santa Claus - $25,000 dress completely unsuitable for any occasion - Kinder Surprise toy only enjoyed by eccentric adolescent - Adam Sandler grounded by 10-year-old son - Baghdad Bombers football team suffer all-time low membership figures - Corduroy-coated sheep unshorn for 15 years - Female donkey finds sex intimidating - Molly Ringwald's career resurrected with new film 'Sixty Candles' - Private school kid moved by urban poetry - Fungry's nutritionist proves fruit is lethal - '70s icon reduced to parodying himself for a living - Nigerian bank surprised by difficulty of giving away US$32 million - Journalist celebrates 30th anniversary of commencing yet-to-be-completed novel - Howard announces he may recognise Kyoto: "I'm pretty sure it's in Asia somewhere" - Patron pays attention to cinema pre-show advertising - Ten most annoying people on Australian television named. All 10 positions taken by Gabby Millgate characters - Dull, boofy bloke tipped to win Australian 'Big Brother III' - Pope becomes first man to be able to give himself blow job - Tributes flow for dead Hollywood celebrity no-one remembers - David Beckham demands to be mentioned on this Newsbar. Fears lack of publicity - Saddam: America makes 'great hamburgers' - Sewer rats aspire to live in gutter - Paparazzi mob Rolling Stones tour after mistaking them for young interesting band - Kung Fu movie hero vows revenge on man who killed his father - Adelaide man still can't see why it's funny that the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side - Movie character notices news story she's watching is relevant to her life - Frustrated driver massively overestimates time traffic light has been red - Humpback Whale changes species after massage - National Nine News runs for three hours on slow news day - Britney Spears finally accepts her name isn't a joke - Tim Ferguson's career finally hits rock bottom - Social workers convince street sign to go home - Manic depressive prescribed Tampax for 'ultimate confidence' - Testicular lump turns out to be testicle - 'Joseph Peabody from 32 White Ave Anonymous' Group closes due to anonymity concerns - Israel cracks down on weirdos - Holden and Ford in peace talks - Used bubblegum salesman worries she's ahead of her time - Hotmail celebrates its zillionth unsolicited email - Killer pigs in Uzbekistan claim tenth victim in under a week - Magic Johnson admits magic has gone - Scientists: venus fly trap may not have originated on venus - Gigantic comet threatens to destroy Oprah Winfrey - Atlanta Braves change name to Atlanta Cowards Robert Redford movie makes woman cry - Widescreen TV allows sports fan to see slightly more of empty field - Teenage boy holding out for girl who looks exactly like Lara Croft - Travel article on Korea fails to use 'My Brilliant Korea' as headline - Woman packs kitchen sink for holiday - Bald bachelor mystified by amount of hair in shower drain - New Starbucks outlet bears striking resemblance to every other Starbucks outlet - ANZ to sponsor Australia, New Zealand armed forces 'ANZ-ACS' - Pun funny - Bitter Tyrannosaurus Rex actor condemns Barney as 'unconvincing' - Jesus' friends say 'he's changed' since he found out he was son of god - Forthcoming Twelfth Man album tipped to include amusing Tony Greig impersonation - Hotel guest casually skims Gideon Bible - Switzerland declares neutrality in war on terror: US threatens to invade - Michael Jackson perplexed by children's brown skin - Tom Cruise compensates for acting deficiencies with brilliant smile - Samuel L. Jackson chooses to play latest character 'cool' - McDonald's new taste menu creates unprecedented demand for old taste menu - Passer-by deciphers street theatre performance - Miss Piggy beginning to realise she and Kermit may never get together - '80s music video clip fails to elicit laughter - Rolf Harris named greatest wobbleboardist of all time by 'Wobbleboard World' magazine - Toga party fails to live up to host's wild bacchanalian vision - Cosmetic surgeon regrets confusing Botox with Gravox - Following is a preview of CNNNN's new binary Newscrawl service: 11001010100101010101100010011110101010010100110100111101010011110100101010010110011001000111 - Sicily calls police at 3 a.m. to complain about noise from Ibiza - 'Men's toilet odourless' rumours exaggerated - Staggering statistic doesn't make anyone stagger - Bachelor can't remember what ironing board is for - Man looks ridiculous when dancing - Ex-nerd unsure what to do with old computer magazines - Ticket vending machine demands some 'me' time - Seinfeld makes amusing observation about everyday life - Tonight show host has no coffee in onscreen coffee cup - CEO 'unperturbed' by earning more in a day than menial employee earns in year - Man erects ironing board without injuring fingers - First proper scientific test proves sword mightier than pen - Snowmen's union demands shorter winters - Tissue-deprived farmer blows nose on baby chick - Passive-aggressive pavement tired of being walked all over - Story of doubting reporter punched by Buzz Aldrin revealed as elaborate CIA hoax - Dirty old uncle finally tires of 'pull my finger' routine - Drunk person demands kebab - Letter test follows: t h e q u i c k b r o w n f o x j u m p s o v e r t h e l a z y d o g. Thankyou for your patience - Turtle Wax helps turtle's confidence around opposite sex - English translation of Chinese shop name hilariously inept - Police raid One Nation, seize insensitive documents - New chocolate bar identical to every other chocolate bar - Paranoid billboard suspects it's being watched - Tap dancer sick of plumbing puns - McCoffee purist worries McCafe express 'too commercialized' - Father vows revenge on programmable VCR - Blockbuster novel cover has author's name in smaller print than title - Magic eye reader pretends they can see image - Pickering, Fossati meet at Camp David for peace talks - Thai restaurant has pun in name - Kerry Packer pays income tax - Autistic man still telling friends about One.Tel - Woman likes ginger - Jamie Packer wins non-self-made man of the year award, again - Siamese twins condemn 'narrow-minded' fashion houses - Lord of the Rings still looking for that special lady of the rings - Desperate insomniac prescribed Alan Fels - Plastic surgeon fails to save wounded Barbie doll - Share housemates eat pasta for every meal - 2-year academic trial proves something everyone already knows - Found: wealthy man who deserves his wealth - The Newsbar really is the best part of this show, don't you think? - Insecure speed bump fears nobody likes it - Fiona Mcdonald suspects her career may be over - Irish inventor lies to friends about job - Newspaper columnist has all the answers - Swiss man opens Swiss bank account - Jazz enthusiast refuses to acknowledge Kenny G - U.S. declares war on Tuvalu 'just to see what they'd do' - Bulk emailers sue spam manufacturing co for defamation - Car alarm slightly impedes car burglary - Monty Python fan recites parrot sketch - Transexual can't decide whether their best friend is a dog or diamonds - Bristow comic fails to amuse - Arts student bear hibernates for 2 straight years - Ballarat tourist desperate to buy a Ballarat teaspoon - Teenager surprised to discover Bruce Springsteen still alive - KFC eater regrets decision after one bite - Norwegians develop hot-air hand drier that works - Sigur Rós ringtones fail to take off - Skeletor can't find buyer for Castle Grayskull - Study finds more children now recognise Pokemon than Justice Mary Gaudron - Judge Judy makes decision based on law - Divorcees engage in petty argument - Elderly lab-rat prefers 'cryptic maze' - Computer user turns off Microsoft Office Assistant - Bus commuter refuses to make eye contact with anyone - Entire Jerry Springer Episode fails to include word 'skank' - Feminist Eskimos demand winter of snowpersons - Blaze at small appliance store devastates owner, who had several irons in fire - Attractive linoleum discovered - Popular schoolkid reads - Clinical tests show most clinical tests kept in manila folders labelled 'clinical tests' - Aids-aware vampire changes teeth after every meal - Women's magazine unsure whether Kate Fischer is still a celebrity - 'Beige' colour gang angered by lack of respect - Disgruntled actor dreams of being waitress - God's English teacher gives the Bible a 'D' for long-windedness - Tenpin bowling shoes now fashionable, claims tenpin bowling shoe manufacturer - Air guitarist inundated by air groupies - Bigamist forgets three wedding anniversaries on same day - Karaoke performer fails to replicate brilliance of original - New supermarket ad shows no cheerful staff or water-splashed vegetables - Fat man eats between-snacks snack - Rodney Rude comes out of retirement after getting his fucking shit together - Angry Anderson changes name after anger management classes - Gullible dog pays $2.50 for bottled toilet water - Eskimos develop 29th word for snow - Sniffer dog cured by anti-flu tablets - TV cop gritty - Amnesty International frees 38 pens from bondage in banks - John Howard reverses all policies after persuasive student rally - Pencil manufacturer launches improved HB plus range - Eight-year-old claims school yo-yo craze 'not a fad' - Middle East conflict diffused over cup of Bushell's - U2 deliver restrained, subtle live show - Franklin Mint commemorative plate fails to capture full poignance of 9/11 tragedy - Recently-quit smoker remains in burning building for a few drags - Sydney Swans mascot attributes success to Stanislavsky method - Tuxedo appearance not improved by novelty Looney Tunes waistcoat - Satirist confuses irony for comedy - Satirist makes self-aware Newsbar gag - 'The funeral march: 9/11 commemorative house mix' rockets to top of European charts - Russell Crowe does brooding photo shoot - Chinese tourist recognises nothing on Chinese restaurant menu - Pensioner excursion ticket only used for trip down to local shops - Electrical store owner's ex-wife doesn't like Bing Lee Episode 4 Physicist thinks gravity of situation moves at 9.8 metres per second - Murdoch leaves wife for younger younger woman - New lemon soft drink to include twist of diet coke - Time machine manufacturer says new model will be ready by 1960 - Woman perfectly able to believe it's not butter - Cocaine user thinks threesome a certainty - Abortion clinic bombing kills 37 foetuses - Man thinks Jerry Springer guests are actors - Tampon ad uses blue liquid in place of menstrual blood - Scientologist can't understand why he's so broke - Snowman not looking forward to summer - Conspiracy theorists foiled after Smith & Wesson release new smokeless gun - Anti-Israeli sentiment taken as anti-Semitic - Rich, guilt-ridden university student joins radical leftist group - Newsbar goes momentarily wacky - Palestinians begin to suspect Israel not 100% committed to concept of Palestinian state - "Whitening toothpaste whitens teeth" rumours exaggerated - Microwaved meal appetising - 9 out of 10 Australian cricketers will eat whatever they're paid to - User prefers Netscape to Internet Explorer - Scientists discover non-sensible use for thermal underwear - Band member's solo project unsuccessful - Action hero makes witty, debonair comment before killing enemy henchman - Arnold Schwarzenegger to adopt thick Austrian accent for next role - Man's statement he "can't bowl to save his life" proven in horrific tragedy - University academic decides to cultivate an eccentricity - Extensive research determines Ariel Sharon really hates being called "Shazza" - Alternative music now mainstream. Underground rockers now playing alternative alternative music - Red sports car driver feels secure about having small penis - Crocodile Hunter wins his eighth he-man lookalike award - Plasma widescreen TV fails to increase entertainment value of 'Burgo's Catchphrase' - Plans for "huge" Friday night not realised - Policeman's wife getting tired of handcuff routine in bedroom - Studies show erect penis will assist sexual intercourse - Teenager surprised when pimple cream purchase fails to net her a boyfriend - Desperate grandparents discipline problem child by having sex in front of him - Fast food restaurant uniform makes acne-ridden teenager look responsible and clean - Couple who met on Internet disappointed by one another in real life - Easy listening radio station reaches third hour without running Mariah Carey song - Steve Waugh now only person to believe he should be in one-day team - TV addict draws line at 'Marshall Law' - Sports drink bottler releases new slight variation on water - Doormat sick of being treated like a woman - Yawning epidemic devastates primary school speech day - John Smith opens hotmail account: offered johnsmith299040545@hotmail.com - Pastor delivers sermon in pompous voice - Charm of old-style elevator in apartment block wearing thin - Ladies' toilet more pleasant than men's - Mobile phone cancer threat widens: doctors warn people not to smoke their phones - Mime artist reaches landmark 10,000th look of shock dismay - Critics describe Daniel Johns' latest performance as "a little stiff" - Visit to beach as enjoyable as expected - R&B star sings actual melody of song - Conspiracy theorist unable to put it into practice - Karate Kid now Karate Thirtysomething - Patty the Cow begins 31st tour of regional shopping malls - Novelty apron becomes less funny immediately after purchase - Comprehensive search of end of rainbow fails to uncover pot of gold - Teenager happy - Fully sick hoon makes wicked skidmarks in underpants - Witty Ten newsreader labels Xmas gifts "Sandra Sully Presents presents" - Sales of Ontyseptine feminine ointment plummet when name changed to Vagi-sparkle - European film referred to as "movie" - Stoner insists hash browns contain marijuana - Computer user presses f12 key - Middle-aged woman convinces herself she's still a size 8 - Whims of fashion force Coolio to rename himself Uncoolio - Talkback presenter prevents caller from talking back - Crowd in pub pays attention to band's original songs - Classroom terrorist throws paper aeroplane into building - Soundcheck lasts longer than actual gig - Bowtie wearer will buy clip-on next time - Christians enter game console wars with new 'Praystation' - Inept drug addict dies after dropping wrong sort of acid - NASA declares cow re-entry to Earth's atmosphere successful after trip over moon - Net entrepreneur delighted to find no-one's registered iamsatanslittlebattery.com - Meat juice sounds much more attractive when spelt 'jus' - Local paper captures reader's attention for 10 consecutive seconds - 'Jesus Christ: Tomb Leaver' game released for Praystation - 21st party DJ never wants to hear 'Come on Eileen' again - Vet puts Thundercats down - Novice barista unaware of subtle distinction between flat white and caffe latte - Teenage girl impressed by boy her own age - Old fluorescent light bulb flickers intermittently - Scientists now believe Celine Dion has no sense of humour - Cynical teen doubts Buffy could really slay, like, a real live vampire - Upcoming alternative band names pixies as influence - Researchers still unable to explain fascination of 'Star Trek' - Hiccups taint president's stirring address to the nation - Philip Ruddock mistakenly applauds credit card crackdown after 15 people lose their Visas - Nostradamus thought to have accurately predicted today's human gullibility - Man keeps old sneakers "just in case" he loses all his other shoes - Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence predicted to resent late parents for her name - icniV ad odranoeL yb deripsni rabsweN s'yadoT - Movie star receives award, 80-hours-a-week nurse doesn't - Record opening weekend for hip new maths-themed teen comedy 'American Pi' - Fran Drescher to play herself in upcoming comedy - Rock DJ advises listeners to "rock on" - School dux swears they failed exam - "Crying Game" sequel lacks suspense - Undergraduate student pretends to understand postmodernism - Bill Collins dislikes old movie - Ugly man allowed into nightclub - Man not wearing cargo pants nearly as often - American makes macho threat against Osama bin Laden - Non-student still finds use for sine button on calculator - Narcissist enjoys taking long hard look at himself - Le bar d'Actualite de CNNNN est plus pretentieux en François - Candy bar popcorn served hot - Leonard Nimoy gives in to his fate: changes name to Mister Spock - Barry Manilow tipped to sing sappy love song - Diet drink not as tasty as sugared version - Child feels like eating soft microphone seen on TV - Hamas admits responsibility for sponsoring Essendon Bombers - Arab Prince al Hazrad al Sulaiman bin Zawahiri bin Omar bin Telhami al Mohammed al Abrash bin Saqq bin Hadid bin Abdalrahman bin Nasar al Rushdie bin Bahaiah bin Shishani bin Rashid al Saud al Mustafa bin Rowda adopts nickname for convenience: now known as Prince al Hazrad al Sulaiman bin Zawahiri bin Omar bin Telhami al Mohammed al Abrash bin Saqq bin Hadid bin Abdalrahman bin Nasar al Rushdie bin Bahaiah bin Shishani bin Rashid al Saud al Mustafa - Mr Snuffleupagus despairs he'll never find Miss Right - Study finds VB popular amongst acronym lovers - Newsbar writer can't find non-preposition to end headline with - Anti-logging protesters in Japan chain themselves to bonsai trees - Young American charged with drug offences not related to George W Bush - Tyre goes flat at convenient time and place - Ex-Bros singer still constantly asked about stomach pump rumour - Tall, debonair 25 y.o. Newsbar writer seeks petite female for summer days and lonely nights - Doctors warn Mad Cow Disease sounds wackier than it really is - Purple the new lime, declares colour-blind man - 14-year-old boy amused by surname of arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman - INXS make 129th attempt to recapture mid 1980s glory - Office circular read - Old person enjoys nursing home - Panda wishes his view of the world wasn't so black and white - Jehovah's Witnesses completely discredited under probing cross-examination - Public unsure how to react to terror code tartan - Movie bad guys show up - hero's sidekick says "we've got company" - Spanish insomniac stays awake all afternoon - New film by nouvelle vague director Jean-Luc Godard described as "just plain vague" Episode 5 Angelina Jolie dropped as star of forthcoming blockbuster 'Thin Lips' - Portuguese person bemused by Portuguese chicken - Method actor breaks leg before opening night - Piñata can't shake sense of impending doom - Navy court-martial witness sworn in like a sailor - Fat Cat drops mangled remains of Mickey Mouse on doormat - Lawn bowls clubs overrun by trendies, old people return to doing nothing - Bridesmaid resents wearing hideous bridesmaid dress - Ad on train platform makes sense - 'Women's Weekly' coffee table strewn with old dental magazines - Showbiz disaster: lights & camera not followed by action - Cafe calls product "gourmet", adds $2 to price - Carrier pigeon passes condition onto another pigeon - Bodybuilder delivers moving eulogy for broken mirror - Man who slept through 'insomnia' movie notes irony to friends - Pundits claim local election "close enough to call" - Bronwyn Bishop in torrid sex romp with Robert Ray, says liar - Siberian not perturbed by threat of being sent off to Siberia - Supermarket checkout operator scans item 18 times instead of simply typing price in - Migrating swallows deny they're "meteorological refugees" - Business hit by Palm Pilot strike - Scale model of Rome built in a day - Street busker donates services to charity benefit gig - Foxy girl mauled by hunting hounds - Fake palm tree fails to create "Hawaiian feel" in casino - Two-bit comedian thinks he might get angle out of Big Kev - Gambler walks away from pokie with more money than he put in - Survey shows lead guitarists get more sex than Glockenspielists - Newsbar email address newsbar@cnnnn.com now working - Lonely pensioner joins carbon-dating agency - Frustrated PC user drags entire computer into trashcan - Perpetually empty restaurant celebrates fourth year of baffling residents - Racist prefaces racist comment with "I'm not a racist, but..." - Craig Reucassel gets mammoth payrise despite denial of CNNNN Newsbar writer's modest request - Craig Reucassel fritters away stupendous paypacket while Newsbar writer's six children go without shoes - Craig Reucassel is a stuck-up prick - He also cruises for... - CNNNN pleased to welcome new Newsbar writer to CNNNN family - Train announcer cheerful - Indecent obsession fear they may no longer be next big thing - Disappointing stitch in time saves only five - Original 'Dancing Queen' turns 43 - 'Media Watch' claims Richard Carleton's new hairdo nicked from BBC - Wealthy bacterium moves uptown from kebab shop to Indian restaurant - Hermaphrodite wolfwhistles itself - Hi Brett from Brad - Man reads cereal box nutrition facts eight times over breakfast - Marketers convince someone horseracing is somehow glamorous - Happy meal fails to cheer up manic-depressive - Peter Garrett stabilised by bout of Parkinson's - Urinal cake makes wee smell wonderful - One-way street inconvenient to all - Non-parent successfully ties balloon - Crowded elevator awkwardly ignores fart - Laurie Oakes firms as favourite to host Nine's new 'Sundae' programme - Trucking companies concerned about fat, bearded man shortage - Recently purchased biro already out of ink - ABC "too political" say Kroger, Costello, Alston, Kemp, Minchin, Howard - Classicist holds candlelight Virgil - Movie trailer gives away entire plot of movie - Expelled Kool Mint declared "too kool for school" - Arab actor plays terrorist in film for eighteenth time in a row - Car washing couple accused of chamois marriage - Angela Bishop recognised by viewer - Fijians holiday in urban wasteland - Parakeet develops larger vocabulary than Molly Meldrum - Scientist works out what it is about Mary - Pope replaced as face of Estee Lauder - Pessimist convention ends on gloomy note - Boom operator jealous of bust operator - Confused Lleyton Hewitt denies he is Prince Harry's father - Pamela Anderson admits she has hepatitis double-d - Drag queen somehow doesn't fit in at drag racing - Amateur theatre proves painfully amateurish - Pizza chips taste nothing like pizza - Optimist convention has upbeat opening - Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg starts to doubt whether new name of Snoop Dogg is more dignified - Will to succeed still not enough: study - Builders disturbed after woman they're ogling turns out to be man - India refuses to relinquish cashmere sweater - Tobacco company destroys evidence of document destruction - Hardworking racist boosts scapegoating by whopping 300% - Soccer unco feels vindicated by computer soccer prowess - CNNNN has even more news in widescreen - Toilet wall features passionate graffiti argument about sucking cocks - Some of gay man's best friends gay - Sushi trains running late and out of timetabled order - Driver inches forward two inches at red light - Disney movie tipped to feature music - Yasser Arafat's neighbours complain about noise - Insiders tip sequins to feature prominently at 2003 Mardi Gras parade - 'Footy Show' devotes entire Episode to jokes about sticky date pudding - Arab prince al Hazrad al Sulaiman bin Zawahiri bin Omar bin Telhami al Mohammed al Abrash bin Saqq bin Hadid bin Abdalrahman bin Nasar al Rushdie bin Bahaiah bin Shishani bin Rashid al Saud al Mustafa bin Rowda unable to obtain driver's licence - Arafat's neighbours complain about noise - Man who hates Gai Waterhouse accused of homophonia - Siamese twins updated: now known as Thai twins - Man successfully hides bald patch by combing hair over it - Residents begin to accept dream of Guggenheim Dapto may not happen - Gary Coleman victim of 1000th rumoured disease - Public outbids 'Playboy' magazine: Anna-Nicole Smith paid to leave clothes on - Preschooler wins argument with claim it "takes one to know one" - Dance song repetitive - Smurf fashion houses declare white "the new white" - Gratuitous swearing used instead of humour - Performance art unintentionally funny - ABC launches post-modern lifestyle show 'Dimensions Dimensions' - 'Who's The Boss' video night woefully attended - Man dressed as Bugs Bunny entertains nobody - Olive Oyl bemoans constant spinach in Popeye's teeth - Cross-media ownership rules would promote media diversity, say Murdoch, Packer, Stokes - Bore regards all comedy as "undergraduate" - Witty saying on church sign really not very witty - Very long women's toilet queue ends in anticlimax - Jodee Rich changes name to Jodhi Rich - George Lucas devises second movie concept - Movie chain labels its smallest drink "extra large" - Green comedian recycles joke - Trial by media miscarries after irresponsible comments by judge - Autocue strike sees Kim Kilby unable to conduct everyday conversation - Lung cancer linked to having lungs - Pap sues after Pap smear - Bathroom cloth towel leaves hands wetter than before - Siamese twins split, citing irreconcilable differences - Guy thinks girl doesn't know he's checking her out - Giant dwarf marries midget giant - Burger rings taste unlike burgers - Tourist admits she doesn't wish her family were here - Scouts locate inner-city warehouse not yet transformed into boutique apartment Episode 6 Cool bishop wears bishop's hat backwards - Tosser can't stop talking about Iranian cinema - Boyfriend pretends to listen to girlfriend recount dream - Music bore spends five hours at party comparing new Beck album to 'Odelay' - Fifties TV show stars man in dark suit - French revolutionaries use twin blade guillotines for sensitive kings - Task put off tomorrow that could have been done today - Rodney Dangerfield reveals yearning for a challenging, dramatic role - Thorough new 'Kath and Kim' script proofreader removes all humour from show - Camping holiday ends up pure hell - Nerd says answer to life, universe, everything is 42, then rolls about laughing - Australian version of monopoly released: for one or two players only - Dominic Federa recalled to HIH royal commission: demands appearance fee - Schoolboy blames fart on old person out of earshot - Canine Paralympics introduces three-legged race - House sounded nicer in estate agent blurb - Freak develops strange sultana phobia - 75-year-old professor not wooing students like he used to - Joe Dolce left off Livid Festival bill again - Ladies: please write some positive comments about Chris Taylor on cnnnn.com, he's getting lonely - Talking animals win lead roles in new Disney film - Fashion forces pessimist to wear rose coloured glasses - Action figure looks much more fun on TV than it is - Kindergarten loser gains status after "seeing" Santa Claus - Girl regrets telling prankster friends she's scared of feathers - Petrolhead hots up shitbox: transforms it into loud shitbox - Jerry Springer able to sleep at night - Person minds the step - UN inspectors to look for hidden Labor policies - Renovated kitchen has everything but the kitchen sink - Bouncer enjoys arbitrary exercise of power - Closing down sale moves into its fifth year - Bob Dylan's new album 'unintelligible growling' reaches new peak of raw honesty - Disaffected teenager sees parallels between 'Catcher In The Rye' and own life - Game show contestant eccentric - Rugby league world cup somewhat lacking in suspense - Beijing Olympics to replace starter's pistol with starter's tank - Hair dye packet photo vaguely indicative of dye colour - President Bush asks US army scientists to look closely into proton energy pills - Ozzy Osbourne inadvertently hilarious - Traffic gridlock in red light district - SBS predicts ratings bonanza with nude soccer - Slacker devastated to learn Australia Council doesn't fund exhibitions of nose picking - Man can't tell where to pee in trendy restaurant bathroom - Critic finds retro night derivative - Santa beginning to question own existence - Beef pie found to contain beef - Teen owl defies curfew, stays up all day - Single loser briefly excited now Angelina Jolie's back on the market - Female elephant concerned she looks fat - Current affairs show promotes new show on same network - Boyfriend uses patronising lovey-dovey voice to girlfriend - Art historian reveals Mark Rothko was terrible at Pictionary - Woman waiting for train wishes she'd driven today - Conservative librarian not a closet nymphomaniac - Survey reveals approximately 0% of girls now want to be like Wonder Woman when they grow up - Pessimistic funeral director just dug his own grave - Toilet wall graffiti soliciting sex exaggerates penis size - Ray Warren calls an unforgettable bingo night - Radio ad simulates water cooler conversation - Skateboarder successfully lands trick - Poor man robbed by invisible hand - Radical Goth wears pink - Mother's back unharmed after son steps on crack - Karaoke video clip unrelated to song - Melody pop virtuoso condemns Piccolo as obsolete - Air-conditioned cinema audience dies of hypothermia - Captain of school football team not secretly gay - New Radiohead album tipped to take itself seriously - Retiring scientist concedes entire life's research "of little value" - Rain reminds person of hole in shoe - CNNNN anchor Craig Reucassel wins third consecutive Tidy Teeth award - Unironic Japanese comic considered height of witty irony in West - Drunk person funnier - Pissed parents responsibly appoint four-year-old son designated driver - 'No' cleverly removed from sign to create 'alcohol permitted' area - Rich guy marries someone his own age - Milky Way eaten between meals spoils appetite - Graduate who spent year in London suddenly a "London expert" - Drunk man reckons he could 'take that bouncer' - Dame Joan Sutherland wins ARIA award for aria - Broadsheet newspaper completely unfoldable - Smack-hand foundation set up to help relieve heroin drought - Miss Piggy and Kermit get together, spawn freaks - Man frequents gym to work on bigger veins - Environmentalists concerned ski field development may lead to slippery slope - 'Simpsons' quote not as funny when repeated by geek - Office printer out of toner - Testicle strike cripples Australia's funniest home video show - Trivia champ labels question "a cinch" as loudly as possible - Stanley Kubrick film overrated - Private eye loses fistfight - Nice geek successfully converts friendship into relationship - Litter dropped right next to litter bin - Medicine used for marijuanal purposes - Arnold Schwarzenegger impression features phrase "I'll Be Back" - Man sprains knuckles while letting fingers do the walking - Person's knowledge of trigonometry never called upon in life - Drought relief comedy night fails due to excessively dry humour - TV weatherman actually qualified in meteorology - Mobile phone ring annoying - Man can't make up mind between "buzz" and "radio" alarm option - Movie character doesn't keep phone next to bed - New Beetle fails to inherit hip alternative cachet of old Beetle - Jane Saville disqualified from Walk Against Want - Wilderness koala actors push for mufti Fridays - Tim Currie admits he would rather not do the time warp again - 60% off sale only applies to one item in store - Abominable snowman actually only unpleasant - Person waiting to complain told their call is important to company - Mormon persistent - OJ Simpson finally stops bothering to maintain innocence - Old person solves Middle East crisis with angry letter to newspaper - Soulful, tender side of cannibal corpse's 'hacksaw decapitation' revealed in new acoustic version - Filmgoers genuinely scared by prospect of 'Scary Movie 3' - Feral scoutmaster's hair in slipknots - Meteorologists can't agree on name for new hurricane - Fly couple celebrate anniversary with dinner at city's finest dogshit - 'Readers Digest' digest a hit with readers - Button fly on jeans postpones sex by 20 seconds - Baby Spice grows up. Now to be known as Toddler Spice - Sad seventies musical returns featuring sad eighties performers - 'Scooby Doo' producers dispute canned laughter rumours - Grant Dodwell downgraded to B-list - Family hobby farm visited for second time this year - Elijah Wood enjoyed playing Frodo so much he now can't kick the Hobbit - Fans celebrate 45 years of Elvis music and mourn 45 years of Elvis movies - Mafia musician carries violin in holster - Sport at unbackable odds to be winner on day - Man mistakes fire hydrant in art gallery as "challenging objet d'art" - Dolphins relaxed by sounds of pretentious wankers - Evil mastermind enjoys chess - Repeat viewing reveals that, unlike finest French champagne, Adam Sandler's 'The Waterboy' fails to improve with age - Scotty maintains Starship Enterprise is giving all she's got Episode 7 Read the Newsbar online at cnnnn.com - Reserve Bank promoted to starting line-up - Snickers fails to satisfy - Strip club refuses to employ laptop dancer - Liquid paper superceded by liquid Palm Pilot - Man reaches fortieth minute on hold to Telstra helpline - Car breaks down, cries - Show of hands on donkey vote: neighs have it - Texas toy shop releases 'how to host an execution' - Paperless office now out of pens as well - Outworker productivity declines, only 64 shirts an hour - Trendy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into nightclub - One-player monopoly fails to take off - Scrabble freak fails to convince opponents that 'QZXIYM' is a word - Mute family's game of charades falls flat - Student gets straight 'A's: fails multiple choice exam - Human tragedy averted: plane crash not caught on amateur video - Overworked building collapses due to stress - Shy unemployed men go half-Monty for charity - Shakespeare follows prequel trend: 'Henry III' out shortly - Union boss untroubled by irony of his position - Abbott offers women unlimited maternity leave: "stay at home" - Stationery addict puts fluorescent yellow highlights through her hair - Hair replacement therapy failure: hairs replaced with scalp - Short-sighted Cyclops rejects glasses: hates being called "two eyes" - Reserve Bank issues new currency with money-back guarantee - World-class spreadsheet excels itself - Boy meets girl - Girl bars boy - Boy gets bitter - Girl avoids boy - Boy follows girl - Girl freaks out - Boy stalks girl - Girl gets A.V.O. - Boy gets 5 years - You just missed a really funny sight gag - Pokie player doubles up just that one time too many - Vegetarian mounts unconvincing defense of tofu - 'Brewarinna Review of Books' fails to take off - Bluffer's guide to bluffing "not convincing" - You had to be there - 'Grease' comes out on beta video - Art gallery thief leaves good impressionist - French capital declares itself "the Paris of France" - Rain turns snow globe into sleet globe - Barry Kosky makes great play unwatchable - Opinion piece ruined by reference to fact - Jet Li film 'The One' accused of stealing Tip Top's idea - Out of work extortionist offers 20% off - Sight gag fails to translate into words - Forest fresh deodorant makes man's armpit smell worse - Hitler "evil", argues high school debater - Penguin mightier than swordfish - Viola player in string quartet resents not playing second fiddle - Disappointed pervert deems Xbox not worthy of its x-rating - Boat shoes worn by non-nautical person - Sharjah First XI can't understand visiting test sides' reluctance to play them - New evidence shows Hansie Cronje may even have cheated death - Meat Loaf accused of self-indulgence after 47-minute version of 'Happy Birthday' at 3-year-old son's party - Russell Crowe mired in some sort of controversy - Underpaid migrant worker says Powerade puts back what the sweatshop takes out - Former Taliban members name upcoming benefit concert Talibandaid - Pig gourmet enjoys sloppy seconds - Slobodan Milosevic conducts own defence, self-incrimination - "Mini-Me" actor Verne Troyer refused entry to limbo-dancing competition - Uninventive cricket banner author tried on Waugh crimes - CEO earns salary - To receive the Newsbar via SMS, go to cnnnn.com - Black Texan given benefit of doubt - Boy jumps off Harbour Bridge because his friends did - Chicken disappointed by other side of road - Genetically modified chicken opts for breast reduction - Hypochondriac prefers hospital food - Politically correct ideologue refuses to see things in black and white - Editor receives no letters, decides to write some - Farmer counts 54 chickens, but only 28 hatch - Serial pest starting to annoy himself - Many hands fail to make faulty light work - Signwriter fails to read writing on wall - Cirque Du Soleil slams Barnum & Bailey as unpretentious - Animal rights activists picket in support of the cast of 'Cats' - Quite contrary Mary reveals: how my garden grows - Twin senses his sibling is ignoring telepathy - Hysterical woman unsure whether she's laughing or crying - Tamed shrew released back into the wild - Escher tourist maps fail to take off - Heir deliberately loses crappy family heirloom - Energy drink leaves drinker bloated and lethargic - True word spoken in jest - Literalist fails in attempt to read between the lines - Row of tents reject gay slur - Red cross decides woman's blood not good enough to bottle - Ambulance chaser overtakes ambulance - Ally McBeal Episode has very thin premise - Detail read closely: no devils found - Multi-level joke collapses - Hideously deformed rapper freaks his baby all night long - Montagues, Capulets tie on 'family feud' - JOKE SET UP LACKS PUNCHLINE - YOU'VE JUST WITNESSED THE BEGINNING OF A RUNNING JOKE - SEE, TOLD YOU: IT'S THE RUNNING JOKE - HERE'S THAT RUNNING JOKE AGAIN - CLOWN DOCTORS LARK ... NOPE, IT'S JUST THAT RUNNING JOKE AGAIN - JOHN LAWS CHARGED WITH MANSLAUGHTER FOR FAILING TO KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE - CANNIBAL CONSUMED MICK, ET AL - PM encourages ethanol sniffing - 'The Voice' finally understands it - CRICKET SIGNWRITER HOPES BUSH DECLARES WAUGH - Target sale claims 13 fashion victims - Terry Willisee confirmed as the Australian media's Trevor Chappell - Tropfest 2003 tipped to include quirky, single-joke film - THE PRACTICE EPISODE FAILS TO MAKE PERFECT - Alan Jones paid handsomely to admit his opinion can be bought - CHASER GROUP TRIES TO SNEAK AD FOR THEIR FANTASTIC NEW BOOK, 'THE CHASER ANNUAL 2002' INTO NEWSBAR - ACE SMS FLIRTER TURNS SHY, CLAMS UP ON FIRST DATE WITH SMS FLIRTEE - Razor scooter lies unused in back of faddish owner's closet - 38yo, funloving, intelligent, sensitive man seeks personal column to place ad in. Call John on 1164-6342 - Evel Knievel's son claims father is not evel, just misunderstood - World not all that surprised by reports Madonna's new film 'Swept Away' sucks - Icelandic musician releases normal, middle-of-the-road rock album - Hotmail user takes up unsolicited offer of unbelievably low credit card rate - Rock drummer assumed to be stupid - In-joke in CNNNN Newsbar totally excludes audience. Hope you're happy, Julian - Drama Queen has messy public spat with Drama King - Man pretends to be wine connoisseur on date - MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN CONTINUE TO ENSURE 'FULL HOUSE' WILL BE THE HIGH POINT OF THEIR CAREER - O'Brien's glass shareholder claim company's dealings aren't transparent enough - Woody Allen bases new movie on one day of his life he hasn't already based a movie on - Manic, overweight 'Saturday Night Live' comic tipped for tragic early death - AND ALL WE'VE GOT HERE ARE FANTALES - RICH PARENT ABLE TO AFFORD TO MISS TODAY TONIGHT REPORT - Conspiracy theorist disappears in mysterious circumstances - 'Swimfan' fan found - Fringe dweller finally gets a haircut - EVER-LASTING GOB STOPPER STILL GOING STRONG - FANCY DRESS PARTY JUST CHEAP AND TACKY - Disgruntled wife sues for breach of contract killing - "Turner and Hooch" removed from new release shelf at video store - Tests prove loud broadcast of Björk song twice as effective as conventional air-raid siren - ATHLETE SETS NEW FIELD RECORD WITH QUADRUPLE JUMP - Plane crash passenger survives after assuming brace position Episode 8 Winona Ryder preparing for film role as lame excuse maker - Woman finds port-a-loo with lock that works - Working clock strikes - Guests at Jeffrey Archer Literary Luncheon served prison slop - Alcoholic tells of long, difficult relationship with Jimmy Barnes' music - Non-watch owner finally tires of answering 'hair past freckle' when asked time - Insiders tip Mick Molloy to play cheeky slob in upcoming movie - Volvo driver abused - Non-Japanese speaker still prefers trendy new Japanese bookshop to regular bookshop - 'Miracle' drug beatified - Boyfriend horrified to learn girlfriend hasn't seen 'Spinal Tap' - Reduction in schoolyard bullying sees decimation of karate schools - Kings Cross junkies lobby for safe overdosing room - New 'Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles' series proves less popular with kids - Spam email recipient suspects clicking on 'Unsubscribe' link may not solve spam problems - Year 12 student makes great show of leaving exam room early - Constable care worried he may lack credibility in new role on drug squad - Chinese capitalist makes millions selling Mao merchandise - Alcoholic queues up for seconds at Holy Communion altar - Square window to shed geeky image - Lovesick frog has butterflies in stomach - Entire office has opinion on how to fix photocopier jam - French band's music sounds awful until people told it's cool - TV guide movie review superficial - Metaphor for masturbation most hilarious thing ever - Office building cancels 'live elevator music', after jazz orchestra takes up entire lift - Pilot stopped on runway by guy offering to squeegee windshield - Cryptic crossword snob patronises colleague who only does the quick - $1 pheromone spray in pub bathroom makes drunk man irresistible to woman - Philosopher fails to take burglary philosophically - New hipster jeans now worn just below the knees - Everyone's already forgotten who Steve Bradbury is - Price-conscious union opens collective bargaining basement - Suburban newspaper now 99% real estate ads - Satirist changes lyrics to 'I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General' to make banal point about governor-general - Chinese meal doesn't look anything like photo on menu - Nightclub queue contains more people than the nightclub - Double amputee opts for mobile phone with hands-free kit - Heavy metal band records soppy power ballad - Double-jointed dog chases own neck - Religion preaching tolerance actually encourages intolerance - Meteorologists beg Neil Finn's wife not to take the weather with her - Producers fear 'Miss Saigon' may lose romantic allure when renamed 'Miss Ho Chi Minh City' for Vietnamese production - Horseracing officially boring again - Susan sues Chinese restaurants over 'lazy' slur - Suspicious looking person spotted acting suspiciously - Man wins trophy wife for second year running - George w bush denies he's 'Big George' - Second second assistant director won't accept she's really 3rd assistant director - Cannibal angered by negative depiction in Hannibal Lecter movie - Old-fashioned builder believes in no sexual harassment before marriage - Venice gripped by canal rage - Internet nerds form Altavista Social Club - Slender brickie uses push-up undies for fuller, bolder bum crack - One inch of hem a big deal to school vice-principal - Man on date nervously peels off beer bottle label - Bored teen at ballet spends entire performance text-messaging - KKK designer unveils new-look sheets for summer - Australian bureau of statistics releases its dullest study yet - Allegedly beautiful sunset in fact dull - Wheelchair gym offers no-step aerobics class - Links established between Al Qaeda and tinea - Impulse-wearing woman bars freak who buys her flowers - Woman breaks it to father she's a thespian - Sexy she-wolf sick of being wolf-whistled - Filmmaker finally realises vision in director's cut of corporate video - Optimistic stripper believes g-string preserves her dignity - Geek's fiancée refuses to recite wedding vows in Vulcan - Illiterate drug user accidentally takes an 'a' - Nick Giannopoulos branches out: now to do Irish jokes - Newsbar writer fails to spot typographical errorr - 0.01% of 25-year-old women admit having once liked new kids on the block - Mother lets child burn in house fire in bid to rescue photos - Toilet hand dryer shock: dries hands - Mark Waugh dropped from family on form grounds - Unfunny comedian achieves success by dressing in drag - Woman knows someone whose sister had a friend who was in Bali, but wasn't hurt - Polite, quiet neighbour turns out to not be serial killer - Table 82, your meal is ready - Bad guy gets away with it despite those pesky kids - Inflation leads to outbreak of $3 shops - Mexican chef finds new way of combining cuisine's three flavours - Bomb defused with a second to go - Opera cast drags extra three curtain calls - Circus school full of class clowns - 'BRW' lists top 200 CBD beggars - Australian selectors declare Waugh finally over - New film 'The Ring' makes viewers want to die within seven days - Person convinced banks are friendly by ad - American political consultant recommends use of flags during midterm campaigning - Bryce Courtenay admits power of two heads better than power of one - Gangsta spells word correctly - Speechmaker makes on-the-cuff comments - Christopher reeve wins Oscar for best life-supporting actor - Bikie gang admits new corduroy and tweed look 'isn't working' - Evil mastermind will not tolerate failure - 2002 diaries now at half price - Household agrees to take down poster of chimpanzee playing tennis - Conspirator in a for a penny only - Coco the Monkey, Sam Toucan latest victims of cereal killer - Trendy guy spends 20 minutes making hair look messy - TV advertised exercise equipment turns out to be hunk of shit - Race for pre-school's coveted 'most punctual' award more competitive than ever - Martian kids forced to eat their pinks - Pick-up line found in men's mag fails to secure sex - Store decorations go up for Xmas 2003 - Guests at vegan BBQ roast giant tofu on spit - Man completely unable to assemble easy-to-assemble iKea furniture - General Pinocchio seizes control of puppet regime - Madame Tussaud's receives underwhelming response with new museum of earwax - Driver 30 km/h over speed limit outraged at overtaker - Widespread relief after America extends Cuba embargo to 'Buena Vista Social Club' CD - Man turns over new leaf: disappointed to find it much like other leaves - Beggar raises $96 for 'train ticket home' - Pedantic diner calculates 10% tip to two decimal places - Talkative Venus Fly told to keep trap shut - Shane Warne starts work on someone else's autobiography - White yum cha diners politely decline chicken's feet - And unknown gelatinous substance - Guinness sets world record for world record sponsorship - Fridge magnet used to hold six separate Thai menus - Dieter makes sure to order diet coke with their KFC - Joke funny even though it's not true - Prank 1900 caller shocked by bill - All penetration is pear, claims dyslexic feminist - Wet t-shirt contest badly affected by water restrictions - Ace SMS flirter turns shy, clams up on actual date - Bouncer praised for witty retort - Cheque found in mail - Grandparents suspicious about being sent to retirement home 'for their own good' - Virgin blue ad features old person - Modern Labor installs halogen light on the hill - Recently-repaired escalator beginning to get people down - Gillette dubs Craig David's facial hair 'the worst a man can get' - Seaplane manufacturers finally recognise their product will never become truly mass-market - 24 hour convenience store always seems to be closed The end of first series. Go to cnnnnn.com for more crazy crap.